image by Avesun on iStock About six weeks ago, on a Monday morning, I woke up crying and sobbing. I was having a beautiful and stunningly hard dream. It happens. Quite a lot. Whenever I dream of Julia. I dream of Julia much more often than I dream of Mike. Always have done. I don’t […]
Widowed Memories
Moments Under A Mask
Headed into the 4th set of holidays without Clayton and the 5th set without my father I’m spending more time remembering my growth instead of my grief. Walking into the woods of widowhood surrounded by the first Fall after losing Clayton and I had no idea how to handle things. Here came the gatherings, the […]
Mourning and Evening Glories
Main image by Erda Estremera on Unsplash A couple of weeks ago, on 3rd November, I felt moved to celebrate a different kind of anniversary. The three-year anniversary of my widbud group, the “Mourning Glories”, comprised of Charlotte, Gordon, Michelle, Pamela and me. We met in early November 2018 in Toronto at “Camp Widow”, organised […]
Birthdays and Beginnings
Today is my 43rd birthday. Clayton passed away just before turning 42. I’ve officially lived a full year longer then him. That brings up a lot of emotions and I know that’s normal. Four years ago I didn’t want to celebrate that I was alive another year. I felt tremendous guilt and I thought that […]
Change
I have a giant vase full of change. It occurred to me today that I’ve been collecting all the change I find along the past 4.5ish years since day 1 of widowhood. Look at all that change. Interesting how one word can mean so much and so little to others. Some fear change and others […]
Halloween Candy
Before this year, I would have told you that Halloween was one of my favorite holidays. A celebratory, non-denominational kid pleaser of a holiday, replete with costumes, scares, magic, and mystery. For older teenagers and young adults alike, Halloween provides an excuse to let your hair down, encouraging sexy and silly frolics that can last […]
The Stress of the Sale
House hunting – It’s been at the forefront of my mind and free time the past two weeks. We all know that the housing market is out of control right now. Some have said that it might not be the best time to buy a place but others say “you know when you know”. When […]
Flash Back to Flash Forward
Today’s blog is a moment of self-reflection. Once in awhile, I sit down and take stock of where I am and where I was. Right now I am on a beautiful weekend getaway with my boyfriend and his family. I want to absorb as much of our moments together as I can so sharing an […]
I’m Not Just
The past seven days has been sort of a blur. Up for work, rush around, home, dogs, dinner, some tv and then bed. You know, the usual. As I sit here and type I was struggling with what to write. What feelings of loss and grief sewed themselves in the tapestry of my week? I […]
Camp Widow – For The Very First Time
What is Camp Widow anyway? Camp Widow is an event started by our first-born daughter in response to her beloved husband, Phillip, being taken away by death much too soon. Camp Widow is a generous effort by one widow to honor and acknowledge the pain of all widows and widowers by offering them a place […]
Lots of tears this week
Image by Vladimir Kramer on Unsplash I have cried a lot this week. Sometimes it’s just like that. Some weeks I cry more than other weeks. It might be hormonal. Let’s face it, I am 54, and apart from feeling “a little warm” most mornings as I sit in bed with my frothy coffee, I […]
The Little Boy and the Box of Crayons
As I keep walking forward along this widowed path, I’m coming across familiar terrain that I thought I left far behind in my life. No one really tells you that when you become widowed you revisit all of your old worries so I’m going to say it now for those who follow me in grief […]