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Moments Under A Mask

Posted on: November 20, 2021 | Posted by: Bryan Martin

Headed into the 4th set of holidays without Clayton and the 5th set without my father I’m spending more time remembering my growth instead of my grief.

Walking into the woods of widowhood surrounded by the first Fall after losing Clayton and I had no idea how to handle things. Here came the gatherings, the get-togethers and the heaviness of the holidays. How was I going to make it through this first season of sadness? I distinctly remember Halloween gifting me the cloak I needed to hide from the holidays – a man behind the mask. What I didn’t know is that Halloween mask would stay for a while to haunt me.

I learned quickly to flash the smile of the season when someone would say “Happy Holidays” and “seasons greetings”. I couldn’t be thankful. It was definitely not the most wonderful time of the year. Soon enough, the sadness changed to anger and wondering why everyone else got to have holidays as I widowed the winter. Bereavement was bitter cold.

Each year following that first Fall I have gone back to putting on that mask. Spreading what seasonal smiles I could to sweeten the air and appease others spirits. This year Fall has felt different. I spent more time cultivating myself through the spring, growing through the summer and this Fall brings something I never thought I’d do again – I’m harvesting the happy.

This holiday season, moments won’t be under a mask…

Categories: Widowed, Widowed & Unmarried, Widowed Memories, Widowed and Healing, Widowed and New Love, Widowed Milestones, Widowed Emotions, Widowed by Illness

About Bryan Martin

In 2016 my life all started to fall into place. A new job as a Supervisor for animals at a small aquarium along the beautiful Florida gulf coast. It was a dream for Clayton and I to move to the beach, get settled and get married. In June of 2017 my father passed away after a long battle with opiods and alcohol. Four months later, Clayton was rushed to the hospital and diagnosed with acute liver failure. Not having been able to truly mourn my father, I was faced with knowing that Clayton (Tin as my family calls him) would also be leaving me. I had dreams of marriage, vacations and a long life together. I watched all of those dreams fade away more and more each day as I cared for him until his final days. He passed away April 16, 2018 the day after my sister’s birthday.

Now I am through the fog of the first year and reality is setting in this second time around the sun. I’m very much alone in this sleepy beach town. I’m trying to just maintain balance with my new normal. I get depressed, angry, sad, jealous, confused and disoriented. Some days are better than others and I remind myself that it is normal. So many people think my life is back to normal and fulfilling because I work with dolphins and penguins but the magic left everything when Tin passed away. I have trouble feeling passion about most things that used to light my fire. I have feelings that oppose one another and it is exhausting. I want to feel happy for others but want to know why I can’t have what they have.

Along my journey, I have had tough days and some wonderful days but at the end of each day I still don't have the answer to my one question....Why?

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