I found this quote last week and it has really stuck in my mind. I feel like I’ve tried so hard just to find myself again since he died that maybe I’ve lost sight of this a little. Continuing on has a way of doing that I guess. When he first died, I was so aware of this idea. The man died for his dreams… literally. He was in a helicopter…
Widowed Emotions
To Urn or Not to Urn
We still haven’t been able to put Clayton to rest. His mother’s stroke has resulted in her having to move near relatives and figure out a new life. Until then, Clayton sits in a (beautiful) Urn in our apartment. At first it was unsettling, having to look at a container that holds the dust of the person you want to hold the most. You want to…
Damned Either Way
So I missed a week. I didn’t have a blog post for last week and I felt bad like I had let a bunch of people down in some way. I mean, I know it is a voluntary thing but I don’t like missing deadlines and I don’t like making an excuse. I create pressure that doesn’t exist. The sink is full of dishes. The carpet hasn’t been vacuumed. I…
A Good Day
There was a day last week where I had a really good day. I woke up early and walked Tango before work. I was able to leave to get there early and there was not much traffic either. I had so much extra time in the morning that I was to finish my personal work for the course I’m taking before anything else. I made applesauce with the kids at school…
Overdrive
For those of you not aware of what “overdrive” is in a car, I’ll try to simply explain it. Overdrive is a gear in the transmission that is less than a 1:1 ratio with the engine. Effectively, the wheels turn faster than the motor. It’s great for cruising at higher speeds. The engine doesn’t have to work as hard, so it’s a more…
The Silent Missing
Oh, the sadness of October. My wedding anniversary. Followed by our honeymoon anniversary, just days later, and then Don’s birthday, just days into that. October 27th we married. In 2006. Its toward the end of the month, and its true what they say. The build-up to these milestone days, is often worse than the actual day itself. …
To My Beloved Husband
To my beloved husband, Chuck D, as we approach the 6th anniversary of your memorial service, which we held 6 months out from your death… I know I did everything as perfectly as I could in those few short weeks between finding the cancer, our hospice time, and your death. I know this more than I know anything else in my life. And yet… Doubt…
Trigger Tropes
I don’t have much to say today, other than a reminder (and perhaps, a warning to those of you reading that are still in the raw, early stages of your grief) that triggers can appear anywhere at random, no matter how “far out” you may think you are. We’re never truly “free” from our grief. It may fade, in a way. We evolve and learn to…
Oh My God! I’m So Sorry! I Just Heard…
Time goes on and life begins to settle. You think you are past the hardest conversations until you get a message from out of the blue… “Oh My God! I’m So Sorry! I Just Heard” These words come in a text message, a social media tag, in an email and, rarely, in a phone call. Mine came just a few minutes ago through Facebook. It’s one of…
Celebrating With You
On Sunday, September 30th, I hosted a huge Book Launch Party Celebration in NYC, at West Side Comedy Club. A few years ago, when I was beginning to write this epic love and loss story book about the life and death of my husband, I did a fundraising campaign where lots of great people donated to help make my book happen. One of the things I promised…
Kids Talking About Death
Last week my school took part in the Terry Fox Walk. I’m not sure how much everyone knows about Terry Fox but in a way oversimplified summary he was a young Canadian, who lost his leg to cancer in the 1980s. He had an artificial leg and set a goal to run across Canada to raise money for cancer research. He died before he could finish his…
Catastrophic Compensation
I’ve tried to write more about the good things in life recently but every week brings a new strange situation that results in processing new thoughts and difficult emotions. What does one think when they are given inheritance? So many people are gifted property and money as their older family and friends pass away. It’s understood that each new…