I had dreams of him this past week. It’s the first time in a lot of years I’ve dreamt of him two nights in a row. It was both beautiful and sad. The dreams were good… they were happy. I got to see his smile again, that beautiful smile that warmed my heart. For a moment, I got to remember the feeling that his smile gave me. It’s been so long,…
Widowed Emotions
Will I Ever Stop Asking …
Will I Ever Stop Asking Where would we be, had you not died? Will I ever stop wondering what would have happened in our life together if you were still here? Will I ever be at peace with the idea that my life is filled with questions that do not have answers? Will I ever feel okay with the knowing that large pieces of…
Remembering Barely~
I wrote this on a night when the moon blazed so brightly in the sky… “I remember, barely now, because it’s been so long, the feel of my hand in Chuck’s. His hand so strong and firm around mine. His hand gave me a feeling of comfort, of protection, of belonging… a sense of order in my Universe. As the nights grow colder now, as the moon shimmers…
Just Do It
As I sat down to write this morning, as I usually do, I read a few of this previous week’s posts. On a day like today, where my mind is somewhat blank, it often helps me to zero in on a subject. Once I have that nugget of inspiration, I can usually let it flow. This week, I’ve been inspired to write about something from a different side of…
Are you dead or just busy?
I remember last year sitting in a small group discussion at Camp Widow Toronto discussing how there can be triggers that connect directly or indirectly to your loss that make you scared and panic for your current life, namely your other loved ones. Then how these triggers and events make you act out of character. Someone mentioned seeing ambulances…
Newborn Fears
I caught myself today. I caught myself leaving for work, locking the door and checking the handle – 7 times. I pulled and pushed on the handle to make sure it was definitely locked. Then I pushed on the door itself. “It’s locked”’ I said to myself. I walked down the hall to the stairs and paused. I felt sick to my stomach. I turned…
Settling Into the Weird
Last night, I saw the film “Bohemain Rhapsody” with my love, Nick. Everything having anything to do with music always makes me think of Don. It just does. Our connection was largely based in music. We met through music. We played and sang music together. We introduced each other to lots of musicians and artists to listen to. Don used music…
Follow the Yellow Brick Road
This past weekend Mike and I attended Camp Widow Toronto. We helped out with a lot of things this year, from leading panel discussions and groups, to building the enormous sign of HOPE for the banquet and working with Michele to plan the message release around it. I also hosted my creative workshop again, for the second year, which was an…
Bizarre Birthday
I’m sitting at the airport this morning headed to spend the weekend with my best friend from junior high. It’s my 40th birthday weekend and I’m all over the place in my head. Today’s blog is more of a list of competing emotions rather than a discussion or story…Sometimes bullet points get “the point” across better. See what I did…
Struggles
There are times in life when we struggle, or when the people in our life struggle, or when you are both struggling because you pass the stress back and forth like a virus, because you are both hurting and you just want to help each other. And sometimes, you can’t. You just can’t help much. Not because you don’t want to. But because maybe you…
H O P E
This past weekend, Sarah and I traveled to Toronto to attend our third Camp Widow there. We’ve both realized that Camp Widow recharges us. Though we may not be in the active throes of grief on a daily basis, with Megan’s death four years ago, and Drew’s six, there is something about telling our stories, and hearing others’ that brings a…
One Word
I was asked recently to speak at an AA meeting in my old community in NJ. I’ll be traveling there at the end of this week. It’s been 3 years since I’ve connected with family and friends there. Family and friends who knew Chuck, who knew me when I was with Chuck. Memories will hit hard. I’m not trying to set myself up for that; I’m merely…