For those of you not aware of what “overdrive” is in a car, I’ll try to simply explain it. Overdrive is a gear in the transmission that is less than a 1:1 ratio with the engine. Effectively, the wheels turn faster than the motor. It’s great for cruising at higher speeds. The engine doesn’t have to work as hard, so it’s a more…
Widowed Emotions
The Silent Missing
Oh, the sadness of October. My wedding anniversary. Followed by our honeymoon anniversary, just days later, and then Don’s birthday, just days into that. October 27th we married. In 2006. Its toward the end of the month, and its true what they say. The build-up to these milestone days, is often worse than the actual day itself. …
To My Beloved Husband
To my beloved husband, Chuck D, as we approach the 6th anniversary of your memorial service, which we held 6 months out from your death… I know I did everything as perfectly as I could in those few short weeks between finding the cancer, our hospice time, and your death. I know this more than I know anything else in my life. And yet… Doubt…
Trigger Tropes
I don’t have much to say today, other than a reminder (and perhaps, a warning to those of you reading that are still in the raw, early stages of your grief) that triggers can appear anywhere at random, no matter how “far out” you may think you are. We’re never truly “free” from our grief. It may fade, in a way. We evolve and learn to…
Oh My God! I’m So Sorry! I Just Heard…
Time goes on and life begins to settle. You think you are past the hardest conversations until you get a message from out of the blue… “Oh My God! I’m So Sorry! I Just Heard” These words come in a text message, a social media tag, in an email and, rarely, in a phone call. Mine came just a few minutes ago through Facebook. It’s one of…
Celebrating With You
On Sunday, September 30th, I hosted a huge Book Launch Party Celebration in NYC, at West Side Comedy Club. A few years ago, when I was beginning to write this epic love and loss story book about the life and death of my husband, I did a fundraising campaign where lots of great people donated to help make my book happen. One of the things I promised…
Kids Talking About Death
Last week my school took part in the Terry Fox Walk. I’m not sure how much everyone knows about Terry Fox but in a way oversimplified summary he was a young Canadian, who lost his leg to cancer in the 1980s. He had an artificial leg and set a goal to run across Canada to raise money for cancer research. He died before he could finish his…
Catastrophic Compensation
I’ve tried to write more about the good things in life recently but every week brings a new strange situation that results in processing new thoughts and difficult emotions. What does one think when they are given inheritance? So many people are gifted property and money as their older family and friends pass away. It’s understood that each new…
Blurred Lines
Grief is hard. There is no denying that. There are things that are so obviously associated with grieving that I know will be difficult: anniversaries, birthdays, things that remind me of Mike and the list can go on. When those moments happen (or are soon going to happen) and I feel upset or angry or sad I can clearly attribute it to grief. It…
Beneficiary
All it took was one text. One little text for my heart to do flipflops, and to feel nauseous. Anxiety, panic, and fear set in. All the voices from grief’s terror chamber, emerged. Earlier this morning … “Hey Baby. I need your SS# so I can make you my Emergency Contact, and make you the beneficiery for life insurance, etc.” My…
Our Wedding Song Playing
Our wedding song playing. Someone else playing our wedding song as part of their shared memory of a completely different circumstance. My boyfriend’s family’s memory of our wedding song as part of their memory of his parents’ 30 year wedding anniversary. Sitting in my boyfriend’s parents’ living room with his whole family watching his…
The Never Ending Story
Is loneliness the never-ending story of widowhood? Does it end if we find another chance at Love? Does the loneliness exist, even then Because the loneliness is specific to that person, your person, who died? Is there ever a moment again When a widow’s heart feels that lightness of being, Once felt? Or is the heaviness, the ache, the sadness of…