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Catastrophic Compensation

Posted on: September 30, 2018 | Posted by: Bryan Martin

I’ve tried to write more about the good things in life recently but every week brings a new strange situation that results in processing new thoughts and difficult emotions. What does one think when they are given inheritance?

So many people are gifted property and money as their older family and friends pass away. It’s understood that each new generation gets a little lift from the ones before. Passing away at an old age allows for the ones left behind to process the loss as it comes closer. That death, albeit hard, is expected. Therein lies the trap for those of us whom have lost someone out of phase. Sudden loss or early loss due to illness steals our one chance to collect the time and memories of a life long lived. So when life starts to settle after the loss, the remaining possessions are passed around –  Inheritance. Inherently designed to help after loss as a loving gift, inheritance takes on another form for those of us with an early loss.

Yesterday I received an inheritance check from Tin’s mom. I knew it was coming. I knew the amount. I knew it was Tin’s last wish to help me continue on by myself without worrying how I’d pay for the basics in life without him. Seeing that envelope caused relief and a sickening feeling in my stomach. It makes sense why I would feel relief but why the sinking feeling? That check feels like the Universe trying to compensate for what it took from me. As if it would be ok for someone to come into your home, take items and leave a check while you’re out at the grocery store. You come back and feel violated yet there is a trade on the table that is supposed to make it all ok. It feels cheap. It does make my life easier but it, in no way, does not begin to compensate for taking Tin.

So I have no choice but to cash the check and pay my debt all while feeling like I’m accepting the payoff that Death has sent for its debt. Cashing the check does not clear the Universe of its egregious act against me but I have no choice when the ultimate Judge makes the final ruling…

Categories: Widowed Emotions, LGBTQ+ Widowed, Miscellaneous

About Bryan Martin

In 2016 my life all started to fall into place. A new job as a Supervisor for animals at a small aquarium along the beautiful Florida gulf coast. It was a dream for Clayton and I to move to the beach, get settled and get married. In June of 2017 my father passed away after a long battle with opiods and alcohol. Four months later, Clayton was rushed to the hospital and diagnosed with acute liver failure. Not having been able to truly mourn my father, I was faced with knowing that Clayton (Tin as my family calls him) would also be leaving me. I had dreams of marriage, vacations and a long life together. I watched all of those dreams fade away more and more each day as I cared for him until his final days. He passed away April 16, 2018 the day after my sister’s birthday.

Now I am through the fog of the first year and reality is setting in this second time around the sun. I’m very much alone in this sleepy beach town. I’m trying to just maintain balance with my new normal. I get depressed, angry, sad, jealous, confused and disoriented. Some days are better than others and I remind myself that it is normal. So many people think my life is back to normal and fulfilling because I work with dolphins and penguins but the magic left everything when Tin passed away. I have trouble feeling passion about most things that used to light my fire. I have feelings that oppose one another and it is exhausting. I want to feel happy for others but want to know why I can’t have what they have.

Along my journey, I have had tough days and some wonderful days but at the end of each day I still don't have the answer to my one question....Why?

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