Our wedding song playing.

Someone else playing our wedding song as part of their shared memory of a completely different circumstance.

My boyfriend’s family’s memory of our wedding song as part of their memory of his parents’ 30 year wedding anniversary.

Sitting in my boyfriend’s parents’ living room with his whole family watching his parents’ 30 year wedding anniversary video play to our wedding song.

Jolted from the present moment. Torn from my daydream of what a possible future might hold for me now. Back to the past.

All consuming emotions. Hard memories of a life that never was. Missing Mike. Missing sharing our memory together. Alone.

Paralyzed in frozen silence. Hoping no one notices. Wishing to disappear. Hard swallow. Dark room. Silent tear.

 

Slow forced breathing. Touch on my arm. David. Whispers if I’m okay. I say yes. I don’t want to share. I want my memory to myself. Not the time.

Slowly unclenching. Relaxing. Listening to the words of the song. Thinking of our first dance. Good memory. Great love. Silently thank Mike for it. Thank him for loving and choosing me. Thankful for my past life. Wipe the tear.

Look at the people around me. Feel the warmth of the hand still resting on my arm. Back to the present. Lucky to be a part of this now. Hopeful.

The next song plays.

Smile.