Your death stripped me down to bone and marrow. It dug my heart out of my body with sharp talons And flung it, bloodied, onto the ground A sharp bladed axe, Such as was used for beheadings in the days of Henry VIII Hacked away at that bloodied heart of mine on the ground. Slicing and dicing it into miniscule pieces.It took effort and…
Widowed Emotions
It’s a Day
Another year, another birthday. Megan would be 38 tomorrow. Each time July 24 rolls around, it’s a slightly different experience for me. Sometimes, the build-up to that day is the difficult part. Other times, it has been acknowledged as “it is what it is” and the day passes without much fanfare. This year, it’s a mixture of both. While…
Castle Made of Sand
Monday mornings are typically tough getting back into the grind but when your person’s birthday consumes that first day of a new week’s energy you can barely make it through the day let alone the week. This is the second birthday without him. These milestones seem to be flying by faster and faster but the space Tin filled seems to be just as…
Fearing More Death
I recently had a scare over someone close to me dying again. It wasn’t even a true emergency, or anyone in fact having a close call by any means. But this wasn’t just anyone. This was one of my oldest friends and someone who has been a mother to me since my own mom died when I was nine. Now that both of my parents are gone, she is one of only a…
The Fear of Taking New Risks
This past week, Mike wrote about how we are continuing a dream he and his late-wife Megan shared as we are looking into getting a camper next year. There were a lot of dreams I had with Drew that never came true too. Even just planning a wedding and spending time on every little detail was something I never got to do with him. Much less a wedding…
Understanding “Freedom”
The Fourth of July – All things summer right? It’s cookouts, pool, family, sunscreen and fireworks. All the freedoms you get living in the good ole USA. It’s funny how the word freedom is used. By definition, freedom means you are not enslaved or forced to act or be a certain way. You are not trapped. Of course, for the USA freedom means all of…
The E.R. and July
It is July right now, which means it is the countdown to “death day” once again. That day when I literally woke up, and my healthy, 46 yr old husband, had left for work, collapsed at work, been rushed by ambulance to the E.R., and, oh yeah – DIED. That day , July 13th, when I called a cab and then got into a cab – which I stll dont remember…
Thoughts About the Dead
I miss the weight of her body on top of me falling asleep. I miss how white her teeth were and how her tying bells aroourful skirts from Rajastan. I miss watching her tying bells around her ankles and practicing classical Indian dance. I miss hearing her opinions on politics, race, climate change, gender and the cosmos. I even miss…
Dreaming Together
The death of your significant other can have a tendency to place your goals and dreams on hold. You may have been planning a major purchase together…a new home, a vehicle, or even a major furniture or appliance buy. It might have been that trip to the Grand Canyon or Alaska you had dreamed of for years. Kids? That was always a “sometime…
Generations of ‘Love’
No one tells you, or really talks about how boring parenting can be. Everyone loves to talk about all the fun stuff kids do. It’s easy to talk about the fiery, youthful enthusiasm that makes them entertaining. It’s fun to talk about children being silly and pretending to be animals. There is nothing cuter than watching a 6-year-old hop…
Thinking, and Overthinking~
What do you think about happiness? The possibility for it, in widowhood, I mean. And has the word changed in meaning for you since the death of your person? Do you even know what it means in this life after?I don’t know what happiness or joy means in this life. It certainly isn’t what it used to be when Chuck was alive. When I felt easy,…
Return to Sender
So you are having a great day. Your future is brightening. The birthday of your passed person is on the horizon so you book two trips to help you through the day and allow yourself to get away and enjoy life. You don’t want to be alone and think of the 43 candles he won’t be blowing out with you this year. You don’t have to stress about…