In general, I’m pretty much an open book. You want to know something about me, just ask, I’ll probably tell you. That would be why I didn’t bristle when approached to write this blog; share my weekly inner musing with the internet – sure why not?! However, there are times in life where the truth […]
Widowed by Suicide
Meaning.
David Kessler writes about finding meaning after loss. He says that finding meaning is the sixth “stage” of grief. I have struggled with “meaning-making” after Boris died and how to do that with such a traumatic, tragic loss. I feel like I have dabbled in ways that I can honor his memory, but nothing has […]
Body.
As I worked with my therapists after Boris died, especially while working through my trauma of finding him and the aftermath of his death, something that came up for me a lot was about his body. I remember his body the night he died and it comes up for me quite often, even still today, […]
Uncharted Parenting
I have never tried to keep how Tony passed a secret. Even if I had, the community here is too tight knit. Although we’re part of a metro city, the suburbs where I live is one of those where you can’t go anywhere without seeing someone you know. Add in the fact that both Tony […]
Happy Camper
Today I’m coming to you from sunny San Diego before I fly home to the Midwest tonight. I’ve spent the last 4 days immersed in my widow community at Camp Widow. I am so happy I found this network of grievers who lift each other up in whatever they need in the moment. Last October, […]
Midnight Storms
For the most part I’m not angry at Tony for dying by suicide and I just do it all without too much complaint. However, one-night last week had me on edge and anxious about our lives without him. At 1:30am, I am jolted awake by a train noise and the tornado sirens going off. There […]
Widowed Reading
As an adult, I have always been an avid reader. I started a book club in 2012 that met monthly for a solid 7 years. My friends would tease me that any books they picked I’d already read. This was always fine with me. I could still talk about the book they chose, and it […]
I should have done more.
**This post contains discussion of suicide and seeking mental health treatment for suicidal ideation. Some background: before Boris died by suicide, he was hospitalized three different times. Two times in the same hospital. He also did a partial hospitalization program at the same place and some evening groups. If you live in the U.S., especially […]
Love has Paws
Dear Kitty Cat, What a silly name your dad gave you. I tried to convince him to choose a more creative name, but he was settled on Kitty Cat. Now, I couldn’t imagine you having any other name. And I could not imagine life without you, though I know all too well how fragile that […]
Reflecting on my April
Like everyone’s favorite Justin Timberlake meme, It’s Gonna Be May. Technically, it’s May 2nd but you know what I mean. And if it’s May, then that means I did it. I made it through April. Feels like there is a lot to reflect on over the last 30 days. I relived his last days and […]
Grief Is
This week was the first anniversary of Tony’s death. Despite the strange time warp of grief, I have pulled us along into the second year. One hour, one day, one week, one month at a time. I imagine the road ahead is counted in years instead of the grains of time, but time will tell. […]
Return to Therapy
Tomorrow I will be returning to therapy after several months “off”. It feels like good timing, but I wonder how it will be different this time around. I started going to therapy shortly after Boris was hospitalized for suicidal ideation for the first time, in June 2017. We also saw a couples therapist for several […]