I have had a heaviness about me for the last week or so. I’m not sure why. Grief is telling me he’s here and I’m just holding his weighted hand. It’s almost like a stalemate of sorts. Both of us accepting the other’s presence. As always there are reminders everywhere and maybe they just build […]
Widowed by Suicide
That Autumn Sadness
I can feel the fall air approaching. Where I live (in Georgia), we often have what we call “False Fall” where we get a little taste of cooler, less humid days, and then we are right back to 90 degrees and sauna-like air. I am not sure if what I am sensing is just our […]
Suicide Prevention Day
Cover Photo by Thought Catalog on Unsplash It’s probably clear from the title but I want to start by disclosing that I will be writing about suicide in this weeks post. In July, the new national prevention hotline number, 988, launched. September is Suicide Prevention Awareness Month and Friday the 10th was World Suicide Prevention […]
Bad Dreams.
I have a recurring dream that Boris has come back to life (or returned from being mysteriously gone for 4 years). It happens less frequently than it used to, but the other night it happened again. In this dream, he was back and I was ecstatic and ready to return to our relationship where we […]
Even the fun things.
Well, I went to that Odesza concert. And, I brought a little of Boris with me and left a little of him behind. I think he would appreciate that a little sprinkle of him is there. I struggled with what to write about as I sat down to write today. My brain feels a bit […]
It’s Okay to Lie
In general, I’m pretty much an open book. You want to know something about me, just ask, I’ll probably tell you. That would be why I didn’t bristle when approached to write this blog; share my weekly inner musing with the internet – sure why not?! However, there are times in life where the truth […]
Meaning.
David Kessler writes about finding meaning after loss. He says that finding meaning is the sixth “stage” of grief. I have struggled with “meaning-making” after Boris died and how to do that with such a traumatic, tragic loss. I feel like I have dabbled in ways that I can honor his memory, but nothing has […]
Body.
As I worked with my therapists after Boris died, especially while working through my trauma of finding him and the aftermath of his death, something that came up for me a lot was about his body. I remember his body the night he died and it comes up for me quite often, even still today, […]
Uncharted Parenting
I have never tried to keep how Tony passed a secret. Even if I had, the community here is too tight knit. Although we’re part of a metro city, the suburbs where I live is one of those where you can’t go anywhere without seeing someone you know. Add in the fact that both Tony […]
Happy Camper
Today I’m coming to you from sunny San Diego before I fly home to the Midwest tonight. I’ve spent the last 4 days immersed in my widow community at Camp Widow. I am so happy I found this network of grievers who lift each other up in whatever they need in the moment. Last October, […]
Midnight Storms
For the most part I’m not angry at Tony for dying by suicide and I just do it all without too much complaint. However, one-night last week had me on edge and anxious about our lives without him. At 1:30am, I am jolted awake by a train noise and the tornado sirens going off. There […]
Widowed Reading
As an adult, I have always been an avid reader. I started a book club in 2012 that met monthly for a solid 7 years. My friends would tease me that any books they picked I’d already read. This was always fine with me. I could still talk about the book they chose, and it […]