This week I turned the calendar to April and that means I’m facing a list of lasts we shared with Tony.
The last time his closest friend came over to share a whiskey.
The last Friday night steak he cooked us.
The last time he sang happy birthday to any of our children.
The last time we had a family movie night.
The last time we hosted my parents together.
The last time we had his parents for dinner.
The last time we made love.
The last time he watched our youngest two play baseball.
The last time he tucked our kids in and told them he loved them.
The last time he told me he loved me, and I could always put my cold feet on him.
Our last kiss.
And then without warning, he was gone. Something done that can never be undone.
I will try to be as kind to myself this month as I can. To not look back and think about what I might have missed. What I could have done differently to stop him and change this outcome. I want to make room to grieve these losses, but not get lost in them.
A friend of mine who knows all too well about grief and what this turning of the calendar represents dropped by on the first with a hug and a bottle of wine with a note that read, ‘Because…April…’
I don’t think this month will ever be easy and it’s hard to believe we’re almost to the other side of the first 365. I like to joke with those who get my darker humor that I’m really looking forward to day 366 when I can just be over it and everything is going to be dandy again.
Even though I’m not to the other side of April yet, I know I will need to give myself space this month forevermore. I expect the space I need will transform over time, but space will always be needed Because…April…
I hope you are kind to yourself in whatever month is your April.