Isn’t it weird and incredible what we can do if we have no other choice? Our traumatic experiences, before they happened, seemed foreign and impossible. They seemed like things we would not be able to survive. And we definitely never thought we could not only survive but function and do the “tasks” of grief. But […]
Widowed by Suicide
Shamrock Reflections
When you pick your wedding date, you never imagine that day could one day bring heartache. All the focus is on the celebration and the happy life you are building together. It never even crosses your mind that one of you could be left standing alone. Tony and I would have been married 15 years […]
My Widow Mantra
I was going to start with an introduction post as my first post, but I think you’ll get to know me in time. Plus, I don’t think I can write a full-on intro post without it feeling like I’m writing another eulogy, so here goes something different. I have never been a self-help, New Year’s […]
The World’s Loss
Sometimes I get sad for other people’s loss of Boris. Not only people he knew but also the people who never got to meet him. At times this grief feels worse than my own even though I know it isn’t. Boris was so many things to so many people. And then there are the people […]
Reflecting on Early Days of Grief
I am realizing that I am now far enough out from my loss to have some perspective on my behaviors and reactions when I was only hours, days, weeks, and months out from it. Isn’t it weird how much we forget and the parts we remember? And I wonder how much of it I remember […]
Loving him was red.
So, this is going to sound weird. But, sometimes I feel jealous of widows who have seemingly perfect love stories with their late partners. Especially, widows who were married, had a beautiful house together, and so many big life moments together. I have no engagement photos or stories, no wedding videos, no “bought our first […]
Septembers are for Guilt
**This post contains discussion of suicide** September is Suicide Awareness and Prevention Month, which means a lot of emails, social media posts, etc. about suicide. Don’t get me wrong, I think awareness about suicide, including warning signs and how to help someone with suicidal ideation, is so important. We definitely need more people aware of […]
The weight of time.
This past week I went with a close friend to the cemetery where her friend is buried. It was the 25th anniversary of his death by suicide. She has been a very supportive friend when Boris was receiving treatment and after his death. Though the loss of her close friend at 18 years old was […]
Red, White, & Very Blue
*Content warning: discussion of suicidal ideation/suicide and psychiatric hospitalization July 4th is one of those holidays that maybe you wouldn’t expect to be grief-y, but for me it is. Maybe it is more trauma-related rather than grief. Anyway, I thought if anybody would understand, it would be fellow widows and grievers. So, I thought I […]
Things.
I still have so many of Boris’s things. When he died, I think I moved too quickly in getting rid of a lot of stuff. I thought that I had to, I guess. I donated tons of shoes and clothes and some furniture. I even sold some of his valuable music and computer equipment. But, […]
Part of my story.
In the year right after Boris died, I was a bit socially withdrawn–I mostly spent time one-on-one with people, rather than in groups. And all of the people I spent time with knew me very well and also knew Boris and about his loss. I didn’t really have to tell my story to anyone. I […]
*But*
Tonight, my sister and I went to the movies. This may not seem like a big deal, but it was. I used to go to the movies at least 3 times a month, sometimes more, after Boris died. It was one of my favorite escapes. But then a global pandemic hit, which kinda messed up […]