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Grief Is

Posted on: April 25, 2022 | Posted by: Emily Vielhauer

This week was the first anniversary of Tony’s death. Despite the strange time warp of grief, I have pulled us along into the second year. One hour, one day, one week, one month at a time. I imagine the road ahead is counted in years instead of the grains of time, but time will tell.

The kids and I spent the day at the indoor waterpark as planned. They swam, played, and rode the water slides for six whole hours.

I had a little time to myself in the middle of the day as I held down our base camp. I took that time to write something of a poem that I’d like to share with you.

Grief Is…
When the sound of someone’s laugh can make you smile and cry.
The heaviness your heart holds on the hardest days.
Waking up with tears in your eyes for the love lost.
Drifting to sleep, begging for them to show up in your dreams.
Hugging an urn when no one is watching.
Finding a way to smile through the holidays and birthdays for your children.
Forgiving the unimaginable because love is stronger than anger.
Keeping that one beer in the fridge where he left it.
Feelings of profound loss watching other dads play with their children.
Staying up too late to avoid going to bed alone.
Sending yourself flowers on Valentine’s Day.
Spending holidays on vacation to avoid the emptiness of home.
The expressions of love that can never be shown in the physical form again.
All encompassing. The sand that fills every nook and cranny of your life.

Besides Tony, over the last year I have lost hair and weight, friends, our future plans, and innocence to true grief. I have also built stronger friendships, a sense of community and this, a place to find my voice and express myself through the written word.

As I enter year two, I will continue to do my best to live my mantra.

Stay Strong, Be Brave. Love Hard.

Categories: Widowed, Widowed Parenting, Widowed and Healing, Widowed Anniversaries, Widowed Milestones, Widowed by Suicide, Uncategorized

About Emily Vielhauer

My name is Emily Vielhauer, I am 42 years old and have 3 knuckleheaded sons who are between the ages of 8 and 13. My husband, Tony, and I were married for 14 years and despite how things ended we built something great together.

April 19th, 2021 was the last day of my ‘before’ story. The day before I became a widow, before I was a solo parent to 3 boys, before I knew my love was suffering in silence, before suicide rocked my world, before I had to break the hearts of my children and all our friends and family, before I planned a funeral and delivered a eulogy, before I knew the true depths of my love for Tony and the way that love would be expressed through grief, so many befores.

My hope for this blog is to take you along with me as I navigate my life in the ‘after’ and that my words help someone else out there, whether they empower you or just let you know that you’re not alone out there.

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