A metaphor that my counselor used once was the idea of going into the jungle and getting attacked by a tiger. And the next time you find yourself in a similar jungle, you are consumed by the fear of the tiger to the point of running away… when there was no tiger around for miles. In fact, you might even be in a jungle where tigers don’t even live, but you’re still standing there scared of a tiger. This is what trauma can do to us.
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The Change
Many decades ago, there was a classic episode of “All in the Family”, which was a classic sitcom, where Edith was going through menopause. Back then, menopause was referred to as “the change” or “the change of life.” Anyway, Edith’s hormones were all over the place, and she was going from happy to bursting out […]
From “What’s wrong?” to “What’s possible?”
Image by Leonardo Santamaria for NPR Confession: I have no idea where this piece of writing will go. Another confession: That happens quite often with these blogposts, though for sure much of my writing comes from a specific incident that has stood out during my week. Other times I latch onto a song, a poem, […]
Look with your heart, not your eyes.
The first year I felt angry when I saw older people living when Mike was not. I felt that it was unfair that so many old people were alive while my fiancé died before our wedding. I felt guilty about my misplaced feelings of anger and resentment and jealousy. Mike was denied his old age, […]
Nothing to Say, Everything to Say
There are lots of times when I come here and I feel as if I have nothing new to say, and at the same time, I want to say everything all of the time about the loss of my husband and how it will always affect me and I will always be changed and different […]
A moment in the Evolution of Grief…
I paused because, for the briefest of moments, Mike died all over again .
Once upon a time, Mike had stood in this very same room.
He used to take up space in the world.
And, he had a place in our lives.
I miss this place in time when Mike was real.
I imagine I always will…
19 years
Today is the 19 year mark of the attacks that happened on 9/11. It would feel weird for me to write on this day and not write about this, or not acknowledge this today. Obviously, that day was life-altering for everyone, and for some, more than others. If you are reading this today, and someone […]
The Rebranding of a Life…
Life is for the living.
Mike had his life.
And, now I need to focus on mine.
Only he died in 2016.
It would be a tragedy if I buried myself too.
Helpless
One of the things about having lived through and with the loss of your partner or spouse for 9 years, is that it offers you a lot of perspective. You are able to finally be in a place mentally and emotionally where you can help someone else, or many others, and it really makes you […]
Turning Around
My boyfriend Nick has a very good friend, perhaps a best friend, named Todd. Todd had a battle with cancer, and the last few months of that battle were unfortunately during covid, so he was living in a nursing home type place, no visitors allowed, no outside gifts or food allowed, all of that. Heartbreaking. […]
Widow Wednesdays
So last week I wrote in here about dreams unrealized, and how I had to give up my dreams 9 years ago, or begin the process of giving up my dreams of acting, comedy, writing, entertaining etc – when my husband dropped dead suddenly, and I ended up having to leave my NYC life behind […]
Our Third Wedding Anniversary…
When I think about our Wedding Anniversary I feel a bunch of nothing really. Where there should be joy and happiness there is just a huge void. Where there should be happy memories of “the best day ever”, there is nothing. I have nothing to recall because our Wedding day never came to be. So, I just sit with the nothingness that it is. The nothingness of our special day quietly blends into the nothingness that Mike has become. It is sad. Beyond sad really. It is tragic and it hurts. But, I will be “okay”. I have lived through this Anniversary date twice before.