Emptiness. It seems this word is the one that best describes my life since I dealt with the trauma stemming from Chuck’s death. It was difficult, when I sought trauma therapy, to accurately describe why his death so traumatized me. His hospice time, and the drama involved in that, though I very intentionally shielded him from the drama. …
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Mother’s Day
Happy Mother’s Day to all the amazing moms out there. Especially the ones who are doing it solo. It’s the hardest thing I have ever done. Being a mom is something I always wanted and I love my children. I love having a big family. But it’s definitely not something I wanted to do alone. Now I’m mom and dad. I’m working two jobs and going back to…
Triggers
I am strong, but I am also fragile. My heart feels as though it’s in ever changing pieces, but full at the same time. I am terrified of love, but long for its place in my life again. I am very self-assured but insecure of life around me. Because there are no guarantees and no promises. I make progress daily through this heart ache and take steps…
Hello, Dead Husband ….
Hello Dead Husband, There are days, days like today, that are not special days, just regular, boring, rainy days, where my heart wants so badly, SO BADLY, to be able to talk to you. To tell you things. To lie in bed with you again, and swing our arms back and forth, as we hold hands, and act silly, and sing our silly songs, to the kitties,…
I Will Sing You to Me~
I will sing you to me….. These words curve around my lower right leg, from knee to ankle. My 3rd tattoo. My first one says nothin’ but love, our credo in hospice. Those words swirl in a circle on the back of my neck, with the circle ending in a small heart, and the circle is left open. As my heart must be in this new life without him. My…
May 9, 2015
May 9,2015. The day my life changed forever. Two years have passed and I am still trying to wrap my head around it. The death certificate says the 10th but I was there. Joey died at that accident scene. He was dead when they pulled him out of the water. He was traveling at 100 miles an hour when he hit that guard rail. He was ejected from the truck…
A Phonecall from a Friend
Two days ago, I got a phone call no one wants to get, from my friend who got news she never wanted to hear. For the past 6 months, I’ve been on-call for one of my best friends as she goes through the toughest thing she has yet faced in her life. Her dad has been fighting a very aggressive terminal cancer since the holidays, which came quite out…
You’re Not Here
I am only human. Although I know this life is so much bigger than me, the pain still takes a hold of me while you’re not here. Defeated I feel at times, in need of inspiration. In need of you, our love and your strength. Infuriated, devastated and heart broken. You promised you would protect my heart but it’s shattered. The one person I…
Collecting the Hurt
I figured something out this morning, about grief. It is this … Things that happen to you, after the loss of your person, that are painful, hurt way more. They hurt more than they did in the previous life. The “before” life. In this “after” life, the one where my person is dead forever, things that hurt, hurt more. They hurt…
Not Dating Contemplation~
I wonder, if we, as widows, set ourselves up, if and when the time comes that we step out into the dating world. *I haven’t dated since my husband’s death, and don’t plan on it, so this is merely me, contemplating the concept* Somewhere back in my second year of widowhood, I spoke about the concept of dating with my daughter, and how not…
I want my why
I have been told time and time again don’t ask why. It will drive you mad. I have been told there are something’s you will never have answers for. You must let go. In other people’s dark hours have have given this same advice. But the truth is I want my why! I want my answers! I have been laying in a hospital bed for three days now. I was…
Sewing My Widow Oats
Okay. So let’s just do it. Let’s talk about it. Let’s talk about love and dating and sex. Yeah, I said it. Sex. And widowhood. Lets not forget widowhood. I need to talk about this. It’s time. The first thing that I will say about this, is that each of us is completely different, when it comes to our feelings about love, dating,…