There are lots of times when I come here and I feel as if I have nothing new to say, and at the same time, I want to say everything all of the time about the loss of my husband and how it will always affect me and I will always be changed and different […]
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A moment in the Evolution of Grief…
I paused because, for the briefest of moments, Mike died all over again .
Once upon a time, Mike had stood in this very same room.
He used to take up space in the world.
And, he had a place in our lives.
I miss this place in time when Mike was real.
I imagine I always will…
19 years
Today is the 19 year mark of the attacks that happened on 9/11. It would feel weird for me to write on this day and not write about this, or not acknowledge this today. Obviously, that day was life-altering for everyone, and for some, more than others. If you are reading this today, and someone […]
The Rebranding of a Life…
Life is for the living.
Mike had his life.
And, now I need to focus on mine.
Only he died in 2016.
It would be a tragedy if I buried myself too.
Helpless
One of the things about having lived through and with the loss of your partner or spouse for 9 years, is that it offers you a lot of perspective. You are able to finally be in a place mentally and emotionally where you can help someone else, or many others, and it really makes you […]
Turning Around
My boyfriend Nick has a very good friend, perhaps a best friend, named Todd. Todd had a battle with cancer, and the last few months of that battle were unfortunately during covid, so he was living in a nursing home type place, no visitors allowed, no outside gifts or food allowed, all of that. Heartbreaking. […]
Widow Wednesdays
So last week I wrote in here about dreams unrealized, and how I had to give up my dreams 9 years ago, or begin the process of giving up my dreams of acting, comedy, writing, entertaining etc – when my husband dropped dead suddenly, and I ended up having to leave my NYC life behind […]
Our Third Wedding Anniversary…
When I think about our Wedding Anniversary I feel a bunch of nothing really. Where there should be joy and happiness there is just a huge void. Where there should be happy memories of “the best day ever”, there is nothing. I have nothing to recall because our Wedding day never came to be. So, I just sit with the nothingness that it is. The nothingness of our special day quietly blends into the nothingness that Mike has become. It is sad. Beyond sad really. It is tragic and it hurts. But, I will be “okay”. I have lived through this Anniversary date twice before.
Dreams that Die
Im not sure how popular it will be to say this and admit this, but I don’t really care. Popularity is the least of my concerns at this point in my life. Honesty is more important, and maybe someone else who has been through widowhood feels similar, and will relate or not feel bad enough […]
Widow Me This
Widow Me This – Why is it that 9 years after losing my husband Don to sudden death, one little smell or song or memory or anything can occur, and suddenly, I feel like it just happened, like he just died? How is it that 9 years later, I still cant go into or even […]
Secondary losses continued…
Since he died,
I’ve been scared a lot because I have to do everything on my own.
Since he died,
I’ve been forced to do a hell of a lot more than simply watching movies alone.
I’ve been forced to life alone.
And, this is far from easy.
Let me see where Mike is at
On Friday, a couple of days ago, some dear friends, Trisha, Angus & Isobel from London, came to stay for he evening/night before heading into the Swiss Alps for some summer holiday mountain respite. Dear friends to me, to Mike, and to each of our kids, all of whom were born after our friendship began […]