There are lots of times when I come here and I feel as if I have nothing new to say, and at the same time, I want to say everything all of the time about the loss of my husband and how it will always affect me and I will always be changed and different because of it. After 9 years, I often feel as if my heart is filled up with a strange mix of fought for joy, melancholy, and intense sadness that lives and sits within. I feel like this complex person who is always thinking deep thoughts about 14 thousand things at once – sometimes while stuck inside of a boring conversation with someone who Im supposed to be “chatting with” for work or for some other reason. My mind wanders to death and life and sunsets and what does it all mean and so many other things, while in mid-conversation with my tax attorney or my dentist or some other life thing that is deemed important by society but that I find dull and nap-worthy.

I dont really know what my point is, other than that death changes you forever, and there are times when the normal everyday things of life bore me to tears, and I feel like I cant sit for one more second and listen to someone’s chatter about the weather or traffic or some other typical day to day fluff that people talk about with one another. It just doesnt interest me. It never did, really, but now, after living through the death of my person, I dont want to waste any time having boring conversations. I want to be around people who inspire, or make me laugh, or who are creative, or who have also been through great loss and/or trauma, and who understand that life is complex and fascinating and very sad and also filled with joy.

Again, not sure what my point is. I miss people. I miss having deep discussions with humans, in person, and not on Zoom. I miss hugging people. I miss Camp Widow. My widowed friends who I havent seen in so long – oh, how I miss them. I miss my dear, dead husband, and I always, always will.