When Joey passed away my kids went to a small preschool near where we live. I never imagined how important this place would become to me. The day after his accident my daughters teacher showed up at my house, I was a little surprised because her and I weren’t very close. But she said she felt like she needed to be there and would just sit if that…
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Stranger
Have you ever …. Stared at your dead husband’s picture, the same one that’s been sitting on your nightstand every single day for over 5 years, and suddenly, for no real reason whatsoever, you don’t seem to recognize his face as his face? Have you ever …. Gone into the closet where you keep a few of his things, still, and taken out a…
Becalmed and Adrift~
It is as if I am a ship that is becalmed in the ocean. Stillness all around me, even as I am aware of movement and chatter around me. But my world seems still. Even as it moves around me. Doldrums is the term used to describe the ocean when the winds have disappeared and ships lay still. I’ve read of sailor’s accounts of the eeriness of…
Daddy’s Girl
From the moment our daughter, Ryann was born Joey was madly in love with her. She has always been his princess and although he loved his boys, his love for her was different. The worst part of Joeys passing has always been the pain the children feel. The fact that they will have to grow up without their dad and never be able to experience life…
Echoes in my Heart
Some moments can be so complex it just floors me. Tonight Mike and I were grilling out in the back yard and taking turns playing ball with his daughter Shelby. We had good music going and a beautiful warm sunny sky. At one point I went in the kitchen to clean up some things and they followed me inside. Mike started dancing with me to a sweet song…
Its Not Easy
On mother’s day just past I spent an hour trying to calm my three year old daughter because she didn’t want to get out of the shower. It was a huge tantrum that left the both of us floored and in tears. Admittedly for a while after John passed I let her walk all over me because I didn’t have the energy for a tantrum if she didn’t get her…
Change Your Mind, Change the World
On March 31st, in NYC, I was honored to be chosen to give a TEDx Talk, at Adelphi University. My talk was about how we, as a society, need to change the conversation about grief and loss and death, and change the way we treat both the people we love who have died, AND those that are left behind to miss and grieve them. The talk was performed live…
This Particular Feeling…
Emptiness. It seems this word is the one that best describes my life since I dealt with the trauma stemming from Chuck’s death. It was difficult, when I sought trauma therapy, to accurately describe why his death so traumatized me. His hospice time, and the drama involved in that, though I very intentionally shielded him from the drama. …
Mother’s Day
Happy Mother’s Day to all the amazing moms out there. Especially the ones who are doing it solo. It’s the hardest thing I have ever done. Being a mom is something I always wanted and I love my children. I love having a big family. But it’s definitely not something I wanted to do alone. Now I’m mom and dad. I’m working two jobs and going back to…
Triggers
I am strong, but I am also fragile. My heart feels as though it’s in ever changing pieces, but full at the same time. I am terrified of love, but long for its place in my life again. I am very self-assured but insecure of life around me. Because there are no guarantees and no promises. I make progress daily through this heart ache and take steps…
Hello, Dead Husband ….
Hello Dead Husband, There are days, days like today, that are not special days, just regular, boring, rainy days, where my heart wants so badly, SO BADLY, to be able to talk to you. To tell you things. To lie in bed with you again, and swing our arms back and forth, as we hold hands, and act silly, and sing our silly songs, to the kitties,…
I Will Sing You to Me~
I will sing you to me….. These words curve around my lower right leg, from knee to ankle. My 3rd tattoo. My first one says nothin’ but love, our credo in hospice. Those words swirl in a circle on the back of my neck, with the circle ending in a small heart, and the circle is left open. As my heart must be in this new life without him. My…