It is nearly four years since Mike died and yes I still cry, but now my recovery time is quick.  The turn around between tears and living can be compared to the space between breaths.  It is almost indistinguishable.  The time between my tears falling and my life interrupting is fleeting at best.  Tears fall and I don’t miss a beat anymore.  I guess you could say that I have become very proficient at living with the grief.

My life, like every widowed person’s life, is a delicate balance between soul crushing missing and a both feeble and fierce attempt at living as normal of a life as possible.  There, hidden among my regular routine life, is an ache that runs so deep inside me that if feels like it is not even separate from me.

My grief is part of who I am.  And, really, my grief is not grief at all.  It is love. 

My tears are not necessarily tears of sadness, more accurately, they are love tears.

I can feel change… I am on the cusp of a beautiful new life.  After fumbling along the dim and rutted path of grief, I have finally come to a clearing.  I have found my way out of the dark and I am standing on the edge of a peaceful place.  A place that will lead me back to the light.  I have a hunch that I am headed towards a wonderful life.  A life I have desperately wanted to recreate since he died.  I can actually feel a full and authentic life waiting for me just around the corner.  It is calling out to me. I have been directionless for so long, but somehow I now know the way out.  I will find my way out by instinct.  I will follow my heart.  I will travel by feel. 

I feel like I am heading toward the homestretch.  I have used up nearly all my reserve energy fighting my way back to life; and, now, I am on a type of natural high.  And, I am going to make a break for it.  I imagine myself sprinting toward the new life I sense waiting for me.  I am madly running toward my new life.  I am bolting towards the unknown like my life depends on it. And, in a very real way it does. 

In about six weeks Mike will have been dead for four years.  Wow.  That seems like a fairly long time; and, at the same time, it feels like he was alive just moments ago.  Death does strange things to time for those of us who are left behind.  It is as though our clocks forever […]