So Veterans Day was this week. My boyfriend of 3+ years (and roommate) is an Air Force veteran who is very involved in the Veteran community. He volunteers with several non-profits to help veterans, and is a big part of the Veteran community. He is very open and knowledgeable about the struggles of the invisible […]
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Fall
Each year, I feel myself falter and fall when the leaves change color because I know that Mike’s death date is looming large. Thankfully, over the years, I have learned to trust that I can and I will break my fall using my own grit and grace. With time, I have come to value and appreciate the beauty in my own strength. Now, I believe in myself the same way Mike believed in me. This is big, big stuff. This is Mike continuing to love on me from across dimensions.
I have come to know my own capability. Finally, I see what he saw in me. It is ironic that it took Mike’s death for me to see myself in the light he saw me in. With this reflection, I now have the ability to fiercely love myself – the way he once did. What a way to honor the big love he had for me. In his absence, I can love myself wholly and madly for him and because of him. This is how Mike’s love lives on. And, this feels pretty wonderful.
Happy Stardust Birthday Don Shepherd
So today is Don Shepherds birthday. But of course, not really. Today he would have been 55 years old. But instead, he is forever 46. Instead, I have now surpassed his age by 3 years, even though he was almost 8 years older than me. Instead, I will be 50 next year, while my husband […]
Collecting the Dead
So my wedding anniversary happened. It was not horrible. It was incredibly sad. I decided to watch some of my wedding video, which was professionally done by a videographer. I didnt watch the ceremony or the vows or any of the highlighted parts of the reception. Instead, I watched an “extra footage” video that featured […]
Love Tears…
It is nearly four years since Mike died and yes I still cry, but now my recovery time is quick. The turn around between tears and living can be compared to the space between breaths. It is almost indistinguishable. The time between my tears falling and my life interrupting is fleeting at best. Tears fall and I don’t miss a beat anymore. I guess you could say that I have become very proficient at living with the grief.
My life, like every widowed person’s life, is a delicate balance between soul crushing missing and a both feeble and fierce attempt at living as normal of a life as possible. There, hidden among my regular routine life, is an ache that runs so deep inside me that if feels like it is not even separate from me.
My grief is part of who I am. And, really, my grief is not grief at all. It is love.
My tears are not necessarily tears of sadness, more accurately, they are love tears.
Countdown to Sadness
Tuesday October 27th will be my wedding anniversary. Again. It would have been 14 years of wonderful, beautiful marriage. Instead, we only got 4 years and 9 months. Now this is the part where I tell you all how I feel like a broken record when I come here every single year and write about […]
On the Cusp
I can feel change… I am on the cusp of a beautiful new life. After fumbling along the dim and rutted path of grief, I have finally come to a clearing. I have found my way out of the dark and I am standing on the edge of a peaceful place. A place that will lead me back to the light. I have a hunch that I am headed towards a wonderful life. A life I have desperately wanted to recreate since he died. I can actually feel a full and authentic life waiting for me just around the corner. It is calling out to me. I have been directionless for so long, but somehow I now know the way out. I will find my way out by instinct. I will follow my heart. I will travel by feel.
I feel like I am heading toward the homestretch. I have used up nearly all my reserve energy fighting my way back to life; and, now, I am on a type of natural high. And, I am going to make a break for it. I imagine myself sprinting toward the new life I sense waiting for me. I am madly running toward my new life. I am bolting towards the unknown like my life depends on it. And, in a very real way it does.
House Hunting
Nope, not for me. For others. I have now been in real estate for about 14 months. I am on my 7th transaction, 6 closings behind me, and lots of additional work with my team while training to be a buyers agent. Walking people through the process of home-buying has recently become a lot more […]
Where do I belong?
Life after the death of the person you love is weird. It is confusing. Mind numbing. Empty. Lacklustre. And, a bunch of other feelings and things. I’m sitting in my car typing this. I’m parked in the culdesac across from what used to be Mike’s house. Our house. The place where our little love story […]
Vacation from my life
Have you ever felt like you need a vacation from your life? I like my life. Sometimes I love it. But it is a hard won life. It is stressful and hard and chaotic and complex. It is filled with grief and sadness and trauma and lots of tough things that many people never go […]
Outlier
In about six weeks Mike will have been dead for four years. Wow. That seems like a fairly long time; and, at the same time, it feels like he was alive just moments ago. Death does strange things to time for those of us who are left behind. It is as though our clocks forever […]
That Gentle Ease
So my parents have a time-share on Cape Cod, and its this really great condo right on the ocean in Falmouth, Mass. One side has the bay, the other side has oceanfront. You can leave the sliding glass doors open at night and hear the waves crashing gently as you sleep. Next weekend, my parents […]