Widow's Voice

Just Reality That Hasn’t Happened Yet – A Letter to the Year 2020

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Dear 2020,

We are in an abusive relationship and I’m going to have to ask you to please stop. Some days you bring me amazing exciting happy events and than the next you throw a curveball of stress or sadness at the state of the world right now. I think the hardest part of our relationship is that you know I need a good bit of positive growth. I miss Clayton everyday but the emotions of this year are really starting to add more widowed weight. I need some days that are not extreme downs emotionally because it’s exhausting. I’m losing inspiration to even find things to write about. I can’t keep my thoughts together and every time I turn around the scene has changed for good or bad. You are making me feel bipolar but I know there isn’t anything wrong with me. It’s you. It’s you not me so we need to work on whatever this relationship is.

I have dreams that I want to achieve. I have goals for my life and I’m being forced to do it all without Clayton. That’s the hardest part of all. My dad was taken, Clayton was taken and right now you keep dangling my dreams just out of reach. My business goals just out of reach. My health goals just out of reach. My relationship goals just out of reach. My travel goals just out of reach. This is a vicious cycle you have me in. When I reach for one goal, I have to back away from others but if you just finally let me grab one or two of them than I’ll be able to reach them all.

So 2020, I’m telling you directly that I want the rest of this year to be full of wonderfully positive amazing success and no stress in all areas of my life. Some people would laugh at that request thinking negatively about our relationship but I know you have it in you to turn this thing around and get us back in the right direction. I have had so many dreams taken away. I deserve the ones I have now to come true immediately. So I’m going to adjust my wording moving forward. These things that I see in my future are no longer just dreams. They are my realities that just haven’t happened yet. I appreciate you moving forward in support of me and I’m excited to accept their arrival soon…

Thank You!

Sincerely:

Bryan

About Bryan Martin

In 2016 my life all started to fall into place. A new job as a Supervisor for animals at a small aquarium along the beautiful Florida gulf coast. It was a dream for Clayton and I to move to the beach, get settled and get married. In June of 2017 my father passed away after a long battle with opiods and alcohol. Four months later, Clayton was rushed to the hospital and diagnosed with acute liver failure. Not having been able to truly mourn my father, I was faced with knowing that Clayton (Tin as my family calls him) would also be leaving me. I had dreams of marriage, vacations and a long life together. I watched all of those dreams fade away more and more each day as I cared for him until his final days. He passed away April 16, 2018 the day after my sister’s birthday.

Now I am through the fog of the first year and reality is setting in this second time around the sun. I’m very much alone in this sleepy beach town. I’m trying to just maintain balance with my new normal. I get depressed, angry, sad, jealous, confused and disoriented. Some days are better than others and I remind myself that it is normal. So many people think my life is back to normal and fulfilling because I work with dolphins and penguins but the magic left everything when Tin passed away. I have trouble feeling passion about most things that used to light my fire. I have feelings that oppose one another and it is exhausting. I want to feel happy for others but want to know why I can’t have what they have.

Along my journey, I have had tough days and some wonderful days but at the end of each day I still don't have the answer to my one question....Why?

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