I am just seven days away from the 15 year anniversary of Don Shepherd’s marriage proposal, which took place at the iconic Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree – underneath it, to be exact. There were hundreds of people there – clapping and screaming with joy at our love – even though they were tourists who were […]
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Season of Hope…
As my grief continues to evolve, I carefully consider who I am today. And, I recognize and accept that both potential and lost possibilities coexist in me. This duality is one of the hallmarks of widowhood. I am at once full of potential; and, concurrently, I have lost my ability to fulfill some of my previous desires. This is just plain lousy. I won’t pretend it isn’t.
Christmas is Cancelled
So last night my mom and dad expressed concern about us gathering for Christmas, and also New Years Day dinner that Nick and I have planned at our place. Since my parents already had covid, they are extra concerned. My mom keeps saying “I dont want to end up back in that hospital.” She feels […]
Make a Wish
I have learned that grief evolves. It changes with time and hard work. The changes are not always linear, but they do occur. Grief is not everlasting, if you don’t want it to be. There is a new life to be found, if you look for it. There is opportunities to find small moments of joy if you are open to it. If you aren’t, then that is a choice too. But, that choice is wrongminded for me. I have life. I didn’t die. So, to honor Mike, I will continue to try to live the best life I can. Life has been denied to him, but it is still available to me – my birthday reminds me of this.
Thanksgiving 2020
So yesterday was Thanksgiving. The holiday this year , for most of us, is already forever changed because of our losses. In my case, Thanksgiving was my late husband Don’s very favorite holiday. He used to say “apple pie, things with gravy, and football – whats not to love?” He also loved that you didnt […]
I Nearly Said “Micky”
Main image – Easter 1988, our first dirty weekend away, in Cornwall, UK To want to have sex, love-making, and intimacy (deep intimacy) in my life again was not a difficult decision for me to make when Mike was no longer breathing. Unlike many of my widowed buddies who could not, cannot, or will not […]
Love of My Life
After a lot of reflection, I finally understood and realized that I was left to minister myself the love Mike can no longer physically and emotionally provide to me. When you are widowed, you are invited into a new relationship with yourself. You are given the opportunity to build a deep, loving relationship with yourself. This relationship is built on a foundation of unconditional love for yourself. And, arguably, this relationship with Self may be the most important relationship of your life.
I have found that with practice, I am becoming more proficient at self love and self care.
I have become my own friend. My own champion. My own companion. I am a lover of myself.
And, this is a beautiful way to honor my dead lover.
Our Final Post…
Today is a big day for Mike and I… something that we have given a lot of thought to in the past year. This was a tough decision, but in the past few months we finally decided it is time for us to step down as writers here for widow’s voice.
Veterans Day Sparks Questions
So Veterans Day was this week. My boyfriend of 3+ years (and roommate) is an Air Force veteran who is very involved in the Veteran community. He volunteers with several non-profits to help veterans, and is a big part of the Veteran community. He is very open and knowledgeable about the struggles of the invisible […]
Fall
Each year, I feel myself falter and fall when the leaves change color because I know that Mike’s death date is looming large. Thankfully, over the years, I have learned to trust that I can and I will break my fall using my own grit and grace. With time, I have come to value and appreciate the beauty in my own strength. Now, I believe in myself the same way Mike believed in me. This is big, big stuff. This is Mike continuing to love on me from across dimensions.
I have come to know my own capability. Finally, I see what he saw in me. It is ironic that it took Mike’s death for me to see myself in the light he saw me in. With this reflection, I now have the ability to fiercely love myself – the way he once did. What a way to honor the big love he had for me. In his absence, I can love myself wholly and madly for him and because of him. This is how Mike’s love lives on. And, this feels pretty wonderful.
Happy Stardust Birthday Don Shepherd
So today is Don Shepherds birthday. But of course, not really. Today he would have been 55 years old. But instead, he is forever 46. Instead, I have now surpassed his age by 3 years, even though he was almost 8 years older than me. Instead, I will be 50 next year, while my husband […]
Collecting the Dead
So my wedding anniversary happened. It was not horrible. It was incredibly sad. I decided to watch some of my wedding video, which was professionally done by a videographer. I didnt watch the ceremony or the vows or any of the highlighted parts of the reception. Instead, I watched an “extra footage” video that featured […]