I am just seven days away from the 15 year anniversary of Don Shepherd’s marriage proposal, which took place at the iconic Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree – underneath it, to be exact. There were hundreds of people there – clapping and screaming with joy at our love – even though they were tourists who were there to see the tree and not us – it felt like they were supporting our love and our life. It was night time, it was 25 degrees, it was freezing and our hands were ice cold, and it was amazing. Most of the words he said to me remain a blur in the crowd of people and noise, but I will always remember him down on one knee in the brutal cold, saying through happy tears: “So, as I stand here under the tree in your favorite city in the world , in front of all these people, would you make me the happiest man in the world and marry me?” I will always remember screaming “Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!!!!”, as he removed my mittens to put the ring on my finger.

This year , for whatever reason, (Ive stopped trying to figure it out at this point), the proposal anniversary feels more emotional to me. Part of it is because I cant be in NYC – and havent been in NYC for a long time, since before the virus started – and I am missing it extra hard right now. Seeing the tree on TV last week when they had the tree lighting special hit me hard and made me cry. Also, Im coming to the point in my relationship with my boyfriend where we have talked about marriage being the next step at some point, and so that is in my mind as to what it will be like to be a remarried widow. I am always going fifteen steps forward ahead in my brain, and I dont know how to stop doing that. Living in the moment is healthier, but its way more difficult for me to do. I guess, like with most things, it takes practice.

I have no witty conclusion to this today, and Im going to keep it short because Im kind of out of words at the moment. But widow life is complicated, and feels even more so as time goes on. I will figure out my emotions in time about this, but today is not that day.