It is Mike’s 65th birthday today. On March 22nd, I will always “celebrate” him. There will never be a birthday of his that I don’t think tenderly of him. On his birthday I purposefully choose to remember the way he lived. I celebrate the life and love we shared together. This is how I try […]
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Tribute
Lee had great empathy and was incredibly kind. From personal observations and long experience, I came to appreciate her unfailingly pleasant demeanor, but I did not fully appreciate the positive effects that her powerful combination of empathy and kindness had had upon others until word had spread that she was gravely ill. Then an unsolicited […]
Slowly Back to Life
There was a feeling in my heart last night as I watched President Biden giving his first address to the nation, on the one-year mark of COVID-19 being titled a worldwide pandemic – Hope. I felt hope. And a very slow climb back into living life again. Both of my parents got their first vaccinations […]
Eighty-sixed from Life
This time buying feels different. It feels like I am attempting to fix a wrongdoing.
The wrongdoing being Mike’s death… Moving is a big step in the direction of righting my alternate life. It is forward motion. It is acknowledgement of the permanence of his death. It is necessary and it is a good thing. This move is about me. It is my decision. My choice. My sale. My purchase. It is about my family and our future. And, I should be excited about it. And, I sort of am. I am just not altogether overjoyed. I am a bit blaise and this should not surprise me because I have been operating in apathy for 4.3 years now. The move just really brings into focus how deep this indifference is embedded in my psyche.
Death is a Thief
Does anyone else along this widowed tsunami feel like they were robbed out of something, or out of everything? Does anyone ever feel bitter or angry or resentful of the seemingly easy lives that others get to experience, without any major traumas or sudden shocking deaths to shatter their worlds into a million little pieces? […]
Things in my Brain
Today Is Friday, and I actually am remembering to write in here, instead of rushing around last minute the next day or 2 days later, because I forgot again. So thats something I guess. This whole “widow brain” thing has really melted into more of a “getting older brain” thing, as well as a “pandemic […]
Road Trip — Part Two
We escaped the grip of the storm. The only remnant in GA was below normal temperatures. During the day, it felt like early Spring. Nights would drop to the low 30s, but an overall major improvement compared to when we began our road trip. It reminded me of how mid-April feels back home. Instead of […]
The Dance (remembered)
I wrote this January 29, 2018. Three years later, I stand by a lot of what I wrote. Grief must be felt and attended to. You will be better for “sitting” with your grief. Lean into it – this is the way back to life… ~S. When Grief comes, Take her in your arms and […]
Isolation and Mild Depression
So I was talking with a fellow widowed friend today, and we both came to the conclusion that most of us are probably anywhere from mildly to slightly to moderately depressed, since the pandemic began. The more time that goes by, the longer this goes on, the more time we each have where life is […]
I Accept…
Being widowed has forced me to become accustom to being “lost”. I have veered off the main road and I have become fairly self sufficient travelling off the beaten path. I’ve always been independent; and, generally, I can excel under pressure; but, Mike’s death has made me even more effective in the face of adversity. I have made solid decisions on unstable ground and I have grown somewhat comfortable being ‘off kilter’.
These days, I choose to take the road less traveled because I enjoy the solitude, whereas, before the silence would have been unsettling to me. With time and experience, I am less afraid of being lost. Mike’s death is teaching me to handle the unexpected and unwelcome in life. And, sometimes I resent this lesson, but I still choose to learn from it. What else can I do?
For all it’s taken from me, widowhood has also given me an unshakable belief in myself.
Thoughts from my Head and Stuff
Im coming off of the end of the work week, just got home, remembered that I once again FORGOT to write my Friday blog in here, and I’ve had about 3 hours of sleep last night. So the following may or may not make much sense, and I take no responsibility for the randomness you […]
Superbowl Weekend
So today is February 5th, which is the anniversary of the day that Don Shepherd packed up his entire life into a Penske truck, and drove from Florida to New Jersey to officially move in with me, and begin our life together. At the end of that same year, 2005, he would propose, on the […]