For me, it is not the years of my life;

but, rather, it is the life in my years that matters. 

I have always admired those with a strong sense of wonder, wild abandon and adventure.  Once upon a time, before grief, I used to have these qualities myself; and, it is with a grateful heart, that I have discovered that this magic still lives inside me.  Phew.

It has been a relief to realize that I have not permanently lost this part of me that Mike liked so very much.  Lately, feelings of wanderlust and spontaneity are festering wildly inside me.  I feel these familiar desires reawakening in my psyche and it is exhilarating.  At last, I am aching to be curious about life again.  I have this insatiable desire to seek joy and whimsy again.  Finally, I feel more like myself. 

I am rediscovering my ability to appreciate the beauty of life.  I lost the capacity to do this when Mike died.  And, it  has been a long way back. For a while, I sincerely wondered if I could ever return to any type of joyful living.  And, lately, I feel that I can.  A good life seems possible once again…  

It has been life altering to lose Mike; and losing, my innate love of life was an awful byproduct of his death.  As his widow, it was terrible and tragic to feel my capacity for joy slip away; but, finally it is returning to me. I am coming back to life and it feels amazing.

I can feel change… I am on the cusp of a beautiful new life.  After fumbling along the dim and rutted path of grief, I have finally come to a clearing.  I have found my way out of the dark and I am standing on the edge of a peaceful place.  A place that will lead me back to the light.  I have a hunch that I am headed towards a wonderful life.  A life I have desperately wanted to recreate since he died.  I can actually feel a full and authentic life waiting for me just around the corner.  It is calling out to me. I have been directionless for so long, but somehow I now know the way out.  I will find my way by instinct.  I will follow my heart.  I will travel by feel. 

I feel like I am heading toward the homestretch.  I have used up nearly all my reserve energy fighting my way back to life; and, now, I am on a type of natural high.  And, I am going to make a break for it.  I imagine myself sprinting toward the new life I sense waiting for me.  I am madly running toward my new life.  I am bolting towards the unknown like my life depends on it. And, in a very real way it does. 

 

 

Without Mike, I did not know how to recreate a charming life for myself.  For a long, long time I stood in the ruins of our shared life numbly surveying the damage.  I could barely breath.  I couldn’t make sense of his sudden death.  And, when I was finally able to catch my breath I stood frozen with fear.  There was so much uncertainty in my future.  I didn’t know how to begin clawing my way back to life.  There seemed to be no good starting point.  But, I began.  Day by day I fought forward.  For years, I tried to maintain momentum even when I had no idea how to rebuild my life.  I just kept working my way out from under the wreckage of our beautiful life.  Somehow, long before I was ready,  I found a way to stand up and limp away from the destruction that Mike’s death created. 

Today, as I write this, I don’t know why I feel optimistic, but I do.  I just sense good change is coming.  I can close my eyes and see myself living a beautiful life where thrill and possibilities are around every corner. 

I have needed to come back to life for a very long time.  I have worked to return to life, knowing full well that Mike is not coming back to life.  This is painful.  But, nevertheless I persisted because I knew that Mike could not come to save me from this mess.  I needed to figure this out on my own.  I needed to find a way to put the life back in my years. And, day by day I am getting there…

 

On the Cusp of a beautiful life,

~Staci