For me, it is not the years of my life;
but, rather, it is the life in my years that matters.
I have always admired those with a strong sense of wonder, wild abandon and adventure. Once upon a time, before grief, I used to have these qualities myself; and, it is with a grateful heart, that I have discovered that this magic still lives inside me. Phew.
It has been a relief to realize that I have not permanently lost this part of me that Mike liked so very much. Lately, feelings of wanderlust and spontaneity are festering wildly inside me. I feel these familiar desires reawakening in my psyche and it is exhilarating. At last, I am aching to be curious about life again. I have this insatiable desire to seek joy and whimsy again. Finally, I feel more like myself.
I am rediscovering my ability to appreciate the beauty of life. I lost the capacity to do this when Mike died. And, it has been a long way back. For a while, I sincerely wondered if I could ever return to any type of joyful living. And, lately, I feel that I can. A good life seems possible once again…
It has been life altering to lose Mike; and losing, my innate love of life was an awful byproduct of his death. As his widow, it was terrible and tragic to feel my capacity for joy slip away; but, finally it is returning to me. I am coming back to life and it feels amazing.
I can feel change… I am on the cusp of a beautiful new life. After fumbling along the dim and rutted path of grief, I have finally come to a clearing. I have found my way out of the dark and I am standing on the edge of a peaceful place. A place that will lead me back to the light. I have a hunch that I am headed towards a wonderful life. A life I have desperately wanted to recreate since he died. I can actually feel a full and authentic life waiting for me just around the corner. It is calling out to me. I have been directionless for so long, but somehow I now know the way out. I will find my way by instinct. I will follow my heart. I will travel by feel.
I feel like I am heading toward the homestretch. I have used up nearly all my reserve energy fighting my way back to life; and, now, I am on a type of natural high. And, I am going to make a break for it. I imagine myself sprinting toward the new life I sense waiting for me. I am madly running toward my new life. I am bolting towards the unknown like my life depends on it. And, in a very real way it does.
Without Mike, I did not know how to recreate a charming life for myself. For a long, long time I stood in the ruins of our shared life numbly surveying the damage. I could barely breath. I couldn’t make sense of his sudden death. And, when I was finally able to catch my breath I stood frozen with fear. There was so much uncertainty in my future. I didn’t know how to begin clawing my way back to life. There seemed to be no good starting point. But, I began. Day by day I fought forward. For years, I tried to maintain momentum even when I had no idea how to rebuild my life. I just kept working my way out from under the wreckage of our beautiful life. Somehow, long before I was ready, I found a way to stand up and limp away from the destruction that Mike’s death created.
Today, as I write this, I don’t know why I feel optimistic, but I do. I just sense good change is coming. I can close my eyes and see myself living a beautiful life where thrill and possibilities are around every corner.
I have needed to come back to life for a very long time. I have worked to return to life, knowing full well that Mike is not coming back to life. This is painful. But, nevertheless I persisted because I knew that Mike could not come to save me from this mess. I needed to figure this out on my own. I needed to find a way to put the life back in my years. And, day by day I am getting there…
On the Cusp of a beautiful life,