Widow Me This –

Why is it that 9 years after losing my husband Don to sudden death, one little smell or song or memory or anything can occur, and suddenly, I feel like it just happened, like he just died?

How is it that 9 years later, I still cant go into or even near a Petsmart store, without having heart palpitations just thinking about it – because thats where he collapsed and had his massive heart attack?

And widow me this –

WHy does my heart break every time my brain goes back to that day when he died, or when I think about today, and how far away my life feels from that life long ago?

How do I not go back to that place where Im feeling guilty or horrible for not loving him well enough, or for being complacent in our marriage?

How do I stop obsessing? When do I stop?

I dont have answers to these questions.

I wish I did.

But these types of questions still haunt me sometimes.

Not everyday.

Not even every week.

But a lot – lately.

Maybe because I just passed the 9 year anniversary.

Maybe theres too much time to think right now during Covid.

I dont know.

But lately, my heart hurts.

And I spend a lot of time thinking.

About life. love. Death.

Sometimes I wish my brain would relax.

But thats not my life anymore.

My life is now a riddle, that doesnt always make sense.

And I have no idea if life will ever be less weird.