Grilling and smoking is one of the things that Tony took the lead on during our marriage. I was a passive bystander at best. One time he put me in charge of watching some jalapeno poppers he was grilling while he ran down to help a neighbor. I managed to catch one on fire and […]
Helping Hands
I have had a heaviness about me for the last week or so. I’m not sure why. Grief is telling me he’s here and I’m just holding his weighted hand. It’s almost like a stalemate of sorts. Both of us accepting the other’s presence. As always there are reminders everywhere and maybe they just build […]
Medical Decisions
There have been countless times since Tony died that something has happened, and I just want to call him. I’ll want to share some bit of news with him, seek his advice, or just to vent. I didn’t have the option to keep his phone on since his job paid for it. Even though it’s […]
Suicide Prevention Day
Cover Photo by Thought Catalog on Unsplash It’s probably clear from the title but I want to start by disclosing that I will be writing about suicide in this weeks post. In July, the new national prevention hotline number, 988, launched. September is Suicide Prevention Awareness Month and Friday the 10th was World Suicide Prevention […]
The Volcano
I had something else written but this came to me right before I hit publish at 10pm. It’s a quick first draft but it feels more real than the mundane checklist of last week’s griever agenda. Thanks for reading and always being kind. The Volcano During the first 365, the sky was clouded with ash, […]
Musings About Dating
When and if you decide to start dating again, you know the road isn’t going to be easy. It wasn’t easy in my twenties, why would it be easy in my forties? There will be times that it’s fun and there will times that it will hurt. This week it hurt, but here’s me trying […]
Meet The Teacher
It’s that time of year when the kids go back to school, the schedule fills up and the days are filled with more structure. When I look back on our ‘before’ life, I find it surreal that this is the second year Tony is missing this milestone. This is the second year I have had […]
It’s Okay to Lie
In general, I’m pretty much an open book. You want to know something about me, just ask, I’ll probably tell you. That would be why I didn’t bristle when approached to write this blog; share my weekly inner musing with the internet – sure why not?! However, there are times in life where the truth […]
Quiet Nights
I don’t sit alone very often. I could tell you it’s because I have 3 kids at home that I’m a solo parent to, but I think I’d be lying. The real reason I don’t sit alone is because I don’t like to, and I don’t want to. Friday night, I found myself sitting outside […]
Untethered
Widowhood makes me feel untethered in so many ways. Sometimes, it’s the small things that make me feel so unattached. For me, adult communication is at the top of my list. As a young adult, I bloomed from a quiet shy girl into an extroverted woman. I have no problems telling stories, getting up in […]
Uncharted Parenting
I have never tried to keep how Tony passed a secret. Even if I had, the community here is too tight knit. Although we’re part of a metro city, the suburbs where I live is one of those where you can’t go anywhere without seeing someone you know. Add in the fact that both Tony […]
Happy Camper
Today I’m coming to you from sunny San Diego before I fly home to the Midwest tonight. I’ve spent the last 4 days immersed in my widow community at Camp Widow. I am so happy I found this network of grievers who lift each other up in whatever they need in the moment. Last October, […]