I’ve been feeling a stronger undercurrent of emotion these last few days. The tears seem to spring up faster and by a wider range of causes. Yet, at the same time I didn’t realize it until I sat down tonight to figure out what I wanted to write about. Reflection bringing clarity to the days.
Friday the 20th marked two and a half years since we lost Tony, and our lives were turned inside out.
One day last week, I found myself crying in the shower. I don’t even remember what prompted it, but I had an overwhelming feeling of missing him. The shower cry isn’t my go-to, so it was kind of unexpected, but I rolled with it.
Crying at TV shows isn’t unheard of but this Golden Bachelor! Oh man, Gerry the widower and all those sweet widows sharing their grief just get me. I knew it would hit home, but I also can’t look away. Then I find myself wondering if any of them have found Soaring Spirits. (A Bachelor(ette) contestants table might be needed at Camp during the We Have a Widow for That event.)
Later this week, I’m going to the funeral for a friend’s parent. It’s taking place at the church Tony and I were married in. Upon learning the location last week, I was not able to stop the tears. Admittedly, I was a few glasses of wine in, so my self-regulation function wasn’t in tip top shape.
We’re starting to hit the 3 years without him marks on our lives. This weekend, one of the boys celebrated his 3rd birthday without his dad. The kids’ birthdays don’t feel as painful as those first ones were. I can usually get through their birthdays without tearing up now.
However, I find it mind bending that he’s missing out on so much and I just know that he wanted to be here for it all. I just can’t look back on it and have it all make sense. Wishing I could have seen and shaken loose whatever was in his brain that day. The craving for a do over, two and a half years later is still there and I don’t think it will ever go away. I want my husband back, plain, and simple. These next two weeks will be exhausting as I get through his birthday and mine without him. I’ll do it, but he won’t be far from my mind and the tears will be there too.