The other day I was having a chat with a fellow widowed friend, and I shared an idea I had for a project about grief. As we discussed, the energy started to build around it. We began imagining this powerful version of it displayed in hospitals, galleries, or a book. The more we talked, the more clearly I could envision this idea. And I don’t…
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Blurred Lines
Grief is hard. There is no denying that. There are things that are so obviously associated with grieving that I know will be difficult: anniversaries, birthdays, things that remind me of Mike and the list can go on. When those moments happen (or are soon going to happen) and I feel upset or angry or sad I can clearly attribute it to grief. It…
The Miracle of a Well-Lived Life
Each April 26, I post a blog I wrote in the days after Chuck’s death. I called it “Happy Anniversary, Dear Man”. But it wasn’t about our wedding anniversary; it was about his sober anniversary. One year, when I posted it, I was criticized for posting about his sober anniversary, because it broke Chuck’s anonymity, which is a crucial…
Revolution 34
If many of my posts sound like a broken record, it’s because they are. For those of you old enough to remember, the slightest scratch on a vinyl album could stop the music in its literal track and replace it with two seconds of repeating sounds. It was aggravating when it happened. You could hope that it was just a blip. A speck of dust or an…
Makeshift Plan
I do not have it figured out yet. But, day by day I am getting closer to finding my way back to life. I have created a makeshift plan that I’m getting excited about. And, being even mildly excited is reason to celebrate because for nearly two years I’ve been completely underwhelmed by my life. I know that my new life will be very different…
Long Time no See
The thing most people don’t get about losing your partner is that you also lose a part of yourself when they die. You lose aspects of who you were with them. You lose a lot of your innocence, without having any choice in the matter. You grieve a loss of your own self. This sudden identity change was an equally painful part of losing my fiance six…
The Song in Your Heart
Sometimes a song is a gentle reminder an sometimes a song is a stick of dynamite… I woke up feeling more relaxed than usual today. I went to the gym before work and felt centered and ready for the workday. I have a 5 minute drive to work which usually happens in a blink of an eye until Adele comes over the radio. Tin absolutely loved Adele. She…
Beneficiary
All it took was one text. One little text for my heart to do flipflops, and to feel nauseous. Anxiety, panic, and fear set in. All the voices from grief’s terror chamber, emerged. Earlier this morning … “Hey Baby. I need your SS# so I can make you my Emergency Contact, and make you the beneficiery for life insurance, etc.” My…
Our Wedding Song Playing
Our wedding song playing. Someone else playing our wedding song as part of their shared memory of a completely different circumstance. My boyfriend’s family’s memory of our wedding song as part of their memory of his parents’ 30 year wedding anniversary. Sitting in my boyfriend’s parents’ living room with his whole family watching his…
The Never Ending Story
Is loneliness the never-ending story of widowhood? Does it end if we find another chance at Love? Does the loneliness exist, even then Because the loneliness is specific to that person, your person, who died? Is there ever a moment again When a widow’s heart feels that lightness of being, Once felt? Or is the heaviness, the ache, the sadness of…
Drafted into Challenge
20 years ago, I woke up to a screaming drill instructor, chaos, mind games, and effectively running everywhere I went. I lived in a green uniform, seeing no other colors but black, green, and brown for months. I swam in 10 foot deep water with 120 pounds of gear, went 3 days and 48 miles of marching on 4 hours of total sleep (and one meal). I…
A Life Unfinished
It’s Sunday morning… I should hear you happily humming as you walk down the stairs to start the coffee. As I lay in our bed, I should notice the familiar sound of the beans grinding. Soon, the smell of coffee should be thick in the air. There should be music playing in the kitchen. And, any moment now, my phone should ding and the screen…