We still haven’t been able to put Clayton to rest. His mother’s stroke has resulted in her having to move near relatives and figure out a new life. Until then, Clayton sits in a (beautiful) Urn in our apartment. At first it was unsettling, having to look at a container that holds the dust of the person you want to hold the most. You want to…
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Being Dead Is Not A Happy Anniversary
Tomorrow is my wedding anniversary. It would have been 12 years of lovely marriage. Instead, we got 4 years and 9 months. But who’s counting? And does it even really matter anymore? I mean, I think that no matter how many years it’s been since the last anniversary, this day will always hit me like a bag of bricks across the heart. I just…
A Real Page Turner
I’m 38 today. Eight years since 30, 2 years until 40. Is it supposed to be surreal? Am I truly supposed to feel like I’m getting older? I guess I’m considered middle-aged, or “getting up in the years”. But, do I feet like I’m anywhere near the end of the story? I don’t. I don’t feel old or long in the tooth. Sure, my back…
Undressed
How do I reenter life? The life I knew and loved has been radically changed. There is simply no returning to it. That life is over. I can not resume where he and I left off. I need to rebuild. But, where do I begin? When he died I felt my foundation shift and collapse. I buried Mike, but it was me who was buried alive by the…
Moments that Honor Them
There are days when this new life feels so connected to past lives. Days when I swear I can feel the joy of all our loved ones radiating through from some other realm. Usually, it’s the days I let go of trying to make everything go right and perfect and remember to just live and have fun. In those moments I can feel their presence, and I can feel…
Damned Either Way
So I missed a week. I didn’t have a blog post for last week and I felt bad like I had let a bunch of people down in some way. I mean, I know it is a voluntary thing but I don’t like missing deadlines and I don’t like making an excuse. I create pressure that doesn’t exist. The sink is full of dishes. The carpet hasn’t been vacuumed. I…
Nature is My Church
People often ask me if I believe in God. Yes. I do believe in God. But, my definition of what God is or what God means is probably very different than yours. Its certainly not traditional, and it doesn’t involve going to Sunday School or attending church, or not eating meat on Fridays, or reading a Bible or other book of faith, or…
A Good Day
There was a day last week where I had a really good day. I woke up early and walked Tango before work. I was able to leave to get there early and there was not much traffic either. I had so much extra time in the morning that I was to finish my personal work for the course I’m taking before anything else. I made applesauce with the kids at school…
As Long As I Don’t Do This
I’ve been a recovered alcoholic for 30+ years. Chuck was a recovered alcoholic, also. He died 5 days shy of his 25th sober anniversary. The people who came to his bedside in southern California were some of those he’d sponsored. They presented him with his 25-year coin. Which he didn’t want to take, early, but I persuaded him that he needed…
Overdrive
For those of you not aware of what “overdrive” is in a car, I’ll try to simply explain it. Overdrive is a gear in the transmission that is less than a 1:1 ratio with the engine. Effectively, the wheels turn faster than the motor. It’s great for cruising at higher speeds. The engine doesn’t have to work as hard, so it’s a more…
Maybe this will Help – What I know about Grief and Support
I wish I had better guidance to give people early on when they tried to help me. People were making heartfelt efforts to comfort me – most armed without experience. Two years later, these helpers have almost all disappeared. And, I understand. People have lives of their own to live. I understand.I understand that they simply can not understand…
Remembering to Live
Everyone has a favorite holiday. Mine is Halloween. I decorate the house inside and out. I spend tireless hours on costumes. I await my first haunted house of the season with eager anticipation. I’ve always liked this holiday, but it wasn’t until after Drew died that it became something I appreciated more deeply. Just 4 months after he died, my…