This Saturday, I will be 26 weeks along. The last time I was 26 weeks pregnant (to the day), my husband dropped dead.Oddly enough, for all the anxiety I had about becoming pregnant, it’s been relatively normal and hasn’t caused me too much grief. Until I hit the half way mark. Ever since, my brain audibly tells me with each passing Saturday, “only…
young widow
Dark Shadow
Depression. It’s my dark shadow. I’ve been living with it since my late teens. Even so, it can still trick me. For the last few weeks I’ve been under its spell and up until today I didn’t realize it. Instead of seeing the depression as the REASON I feel as though everything is hopeless and life sucks, I have been thinking that I’m depressed BECAUSE…
Missing Out on Things
Lately I have been thinking a lot about where I have been, where I am going.. and how lucky I am. I can’t help but think about my husband. About how he didn’t realize how lucky he was. I know he had no idea how much he would be missing out on by choosing to leave this life.I don’t think he had the slightest idea of how much LIFE he…
Open
My life is much different from many of my loved ones. I find myself traveling 1/3 of the year. I happily sleep with two (furry) men each night I’m home. No one gets on my back for the dishes sitting in the sink a bit too long or the dirty clothes on the floor.I thoroughly enjoy my solitude (i.e. meditation, reading, playing fetch, watching…
Less than a decade, more than a lifetime.
It’s always been a hard reality for me to swallow that I never got a full decade with Jeremy. Something about that round number made me feel even more like I got robbed. I started dating Jeremy shortly after I turned 20. He died when I was 28 – I never got to celebrate turning 20 or 30 with him. Just inside a decade.A few weeks ago, Jeremy and I…
I Remember
I have plunged back into the cold, dark, hopeless place I felt buried in the first few weeks/months after Dave died. I’ve been struggling to eat, sleep, clean up after myself, and find comfort in anything. Everything feels like sandpaper against raw nerve endings. I can’t stand to be alone. I need help. I’ve reached out. I’ve especially sought out…
Not Enough
Since my husband’s suicide in July 2010, I have struggled with feeling likeI was not enough. I was not enough to keep my husband alive. I have felt that if I was a better friend, a better wife, a better support system, my husband would still be alive.Realizing that sometimes love is NOT enough.. is devastating. What happened to all…
Clarity
“Peace and clarity is not to be learned by flight from the world, or by running away from things, or by turning solitary and going apart from the world. Rather, we must learn an inner solitude wherever or with whomsoever we may be.” -Meister EckhartIt keeps happening. Just when I feel that I not only have seen and entered the light from…
Home Sweet Home
Well, things around here never seem to quite slow down. And lately, in particular, they’ve sped up into super speed! Steve accepted a new job position in Parkersburg, West Virginia. Oh, and we move next week! We are taking a ride on the crazy train and loving every minute of it. Well….almost every minute.While I am thrilled for this new…
Far Away
I dreamed of Dave the other night. He was alive, now. It had all been a trick. He had actually survived the heart failure and somehow I hadn’t known all this time. He was solid and real, but very changed after his near death experience and I was so relieved that he had survived. The Dave I knew was Mr. Practicality. In his opinion tattoos were…
3 Year Anniversary
Last week I passed the 3 year sadiversary of my husband’s suicide. I wanted to share some pieces about what I have been thinking about and have learned about grief and myself. That having self awareness is a must have. Having fear of what the anniversaries will do to me is a good reminder to take care of myself. Remembering the good times,…
Living For
“If you want to identify me, ask me not where I live, or what I like to eat, or how I comb my hair, but ask me what I am living for.” What is your answer? Don’t try to categorize into a million things. What are the hand full of basics? For life? For you?For me, what I’m living for is love, peace, and joy. (And the ability make it sound like…