It’s always been a hard reality for me to swallow that I never got a full decade with Jeremy. Something about that round number made me feel even more like I got robbed.

I started dating Jeremy shortly after I turned 20. He died when I was 28 – I never got to celebrate turning 20 or 30 with him. Just inside a decade.

A few weeks ago, Jeremy and I would have been married 10 years. It kills me that I’ll never celebrate that milestone with him. The funny thing is, I’ve never seen our wedding video. I’ve had the tape sitting in my purse for more than 2 years, waiting to remember to take it in to convert it to DVD. I finally remembered to drop it off awhile back.

On July 19th, our 10th anniversary, I received a call that my wedding video was finished.

I finally have the DVD to watch….the day of our wedding. And yet, I can’t seem to bring myself to watch it yet. I’ve been waiting to watch this thing for 10 years, and used to complain to Jer all the time that we’d never seen it, and now that I have it – I can’t do it. Something too final about it all now. Part of it may be that just hearing his voice generally makes me tear up instantly. Part of it is that I’m not ready to close yet another door. Part of it is fear that it won’t be nearly as magical as I remember it….and I’d like to hold on to that magic.

I don’t know when I’ll get around to finally watching the video. Too much of me has to know that I won’t be able to keep it at bay for too long. Too much of me aches to see his face in motion…and that look in his eye when he looks at me that can drop me to my knees – undeniable love. Too much of me wants to fill in the holes of my memory to renew that day in my heart once again to hold on to the preciousness of it. Too much of me wants the reminder that even though I never got a decade with Jeremy, I got more than a lifetime

(picture: July 19, 2003)