This Sunday will mark my baby’s 26th birthday….or 4th birthday in heaven. However you want to look at it. Birthday’s we’re always such a happy time but even three years later, the angst of certain holidays never weaken with time.I remember when I had my 23rd birthday…I had officially lived longer then my soul mate. Though that birthday was hard…
widowhood and moving forward
26
Five Years
Hi honey, As I type this letter to you I am wrestling with the fact that you have been dead for five years. Even though I have lived without you for 1,825 days…every once in awhile I still feel I could turn over my shoulder and you would be there with a big grin wondering what I will think of your latest joke. You would be amazed by the growth…
Other People’s Grief
I’m back east with my family; one of my sister’s, her husband and kids, my mom and her husband (both widows) and my aunt and uncle. Cousins, another aunt, a step sister and her husband will arrive tomorrow. Tonight I saw it on them. In their eyes. In the way they looked at me.I saw their grief. Other people dealing with the loss of…. my…
Losing Me
I remember the day. It was two months after Michael was killed and I found myself sitting on our big red chair, laptop in hand. Tears welled up in my eyes as I scrolled through the hundreds of photos I had of Michael. It would take a moment till I finally realized what I was doing. As I passed through each picture I would only look at Michael. When…
are you there grief? it’s me, jackie
Now and then, I sit down before the computer on the night before my post is due for Widow’s Voice and stare blankly at the screen. Mentally, I examine my current thoughts, my day’s mullings, recent happenings. I gleen for any unprobed areas of the loss of Jeff…..and find none. It’s not often that this happens. But occasionally, there is quiet. An…
One Size Fits All?
The relationships that I have formed with other widowed people are by far the quickest bonding experiences of my life. Somehow the kinship of loss has regularly transcended the other differences that are often obvious between me and a new widowed friend. Before Phil died there were a variety of things that might influence how long I spent getting…
Before or After?
Did Art die before or after Pallas hit five feet? Did he die before I bought the new underwear or after? Was he alive when Google offered that new earth maps feature? Was I friends with her before or after Art died? Was he alive when Langton said __________ or Ezra did ______?Before or after? This is the new question I’ve been asking lately. And…
Create your own rules
Being a widow is no easy thing. From picking up the pieces , staring at them like they’re some foreign thing, and trying to create something semi-comprehensible….to the “outliers” (those are the people outside my situation), that try and put their two cents in…or in most cases…89 cents in, to what my life should be. There’s a lot going on.
camp widow 2010
it started off much the same way it did the year before (in a bar), but i have to say that the 2010 version was even better than 2009. why? several reasons. first, i got to catch up with the folks i met last year. so much had changed for all of us, and i got the sense that even the reason we were there had changed. it’s not that we…
Feeling Safe ….
…. is exactly how I felt this past weekend. (Yes, this is another post about Camp Widow …. but I don’t think we can help it.) 🙂 I felt wonderfully safe and secure there. Among people that I already knew …. and among people that I had just met (which means that I have more Facebook friends!!). There are no strangers among widowed people.Only…
Foot Holds
One day I was walking along, minding my own business when I was knocked over the edge of a cliff, down into a deep ravine. When I finally came to after the fall I discovered myself in a dark pit facing a rock wall. The only way out of the ravine, was to somehow climb the wall. The fall to the bottom knocked the wind out of me, and getting up the…
Step Outside
I’m here at the 2010 Camp Widow in San Diego and having an amazing time thus far. In the amazing connections I’ve made in such a short time (it’s how we widows work…warp speed), I’ve been recalling something I’ve learned in the 3 years since my baby’s death, but is brought even more to the forefront in an environment such as this, where growth is…