Hi honey, It has been such a long time since I have written you a letter. In fact, my eyes are welling up now realizing that I talk to you all the time in my heart but those words are no longer committed to paper. Remember the letters I wrote to you every day for the first year? I spilled my frustrations, feelings, fears, and memories across every…
widowed suddenly
Do You Have a Lighter?
I’ve been able to reach the life I deserved. Just as stated above. But then the sparks fizzled…went out…as that life slipped through my fingers with fate’s plan. This past weekend though, in the presence of those acquainted with the loss of their love, their soul mates, the sparks reignited, pilot light by pilot light.I am coming to learn to…
good memories
we headed to the pasadena to have dinner with chandra and derek, who were in town from the bay area. decided on a sushi restaurant. it’s an extremely loud place, but madeline was comfortable, quietly surveying the room. i think she remembered the place. i was there with liz (madeline inside), last november, to celebrate a night of feeling okay…
Missing me …..
For the past few weeks I’ve been aware of something: I miss me. Yes, I miss Jim …. still very, very much and still every minute of every day, but I also miss me. The “before Janine”.I liked her. I liked her humor and her sense of fun. I liked that other people thought she was funny and they enjoyed being around her (mostly). I liked that she…
Warning Labels
Since Phil died in August of 2005 I have met thousands of widowed people. That fact astounds me. I speak to a new widowed person daily. Every single day, and I am just one person. And yet I am still surprised by death, both personally and professionally. What? Our loved ones die? Since when? But he was so young! What about the kids left behind? How…
In the Box
So a little story… a story I love to tell 🙂 It was February 12th, 2009, and I decided to do something I had given up after Michael’s passing…create homemade Valentine’s Day cards. Making cards was one of my favorite things and with it being a dismal part of the year, I was secretly hoping it would lift my spirits. Michael used to love…
on my terms
after lunch with liz’s friends stopped at the dry cleaners. the lady behind the counter asked for the name. “logelin” she said, “oh! did she have the baby?” fuck. how did she remember liz?i’m the one who did most of the dry-cleaning runs. “yes, she had the baby.” (i hope she leaves it at that). she said, “how is liz doing?”…
Happy Ending?
Someone recently asked me if I thought my current relationship would have a happy ending. I’m sure that person just meant to ask if I pictured being with this man from now on, but I was a bit stunned by that question and just said, “I hope so.” As soon as those words came out I instantly thought, “Of course not”.Does that sound horrible? I don’t…
Saying Yes
As a parent, I have often found saying NO to be easier than saying YES. Over the years I have made a conscious effort to consider the questions my kids ask me before I blurt out a negative response. Many times I realize that the reason I say NO is that I don’t want to take the time to weigh the pros and cons of the request. I will confess that…
Our Fairy Tale
I try not to think too much on all the things we would have done, family we would have built and life together we would have lived. I try not to imagine it too much, for there is a pain associated with the what-ifs and that which we were unable to fulfill as the soul mates we are. We lived our fairy tale. Our own Disney movie.Like a knight on a…
other people’s memories
i decided to tackle a package i got from someone liz was very close to during the young part of her life in the mn. it actually arrived on saturday. i knew it was going to be a tough one so i waited.waited until i thought i could handle it. why i chose tuesday is beyond me. inside: photos from a childhood i didn’t know along with a pendant given…
It’s Not the Same ….
My life changed drastically and permanently on December 18, 2007. Nothing is the same. Nothing. I am not the same. I will never be the same. And I’m finally OK with that (I’m not so sure that everyone else is).My children are not the same. And I’m OK with that, too. I don’t have to like it, but I’m OK with it. My home doesn’t feel the same.