My husband and I used to have those silly magnetic letters on our kitchen refrigerator back in our New Jersey apartment, and we would leave each other cute and often ridiculous or random messages on the fridge like: “I love you Boo”, or “Yankees won”, or “UR cute.” One of his favorite things to spell out for me in colored letters was “Don ‘N…
widowed signs from our loved ones
I Am Alone. I Am With You.
Here is a riddle: What is more sad? Going to the movies alone, or going to the movies with a group of friends, who barely speak to each other or acknowledge each other’s existence? This past weekend, I really wanted to see Gravity. So I went alone. Going to the movies, or anywhere really, by myself, is not a big deal to me. When I was married,…
I Remember
I have plunged back into the cold, dark, hopeless place I felt buried in the first few weeks/months after Dave died. I’ve been struggling to eat, sleep, clean up after myself, and find comfort in anything. Everything feels like sandpaper against raw nerve endings. I can’t stand to be alone. I need help. I’ve reached out. I’ve especially sought out…
i dream of you
I’ve had many dreams of Jeff since his death. There are a few that are terrifying renditions of the last few minutes of his life; but the vast majority centre on seeing him again in a variety of surprising locations. I’ve found him on dairy farms slogging through the mud. I have glimpsed him on boats passing bridges that I stand upon. I have found…
why not?
Written five months “post Jeff”…. My sister, Kirsten, was lending an ear the other day when I was having a hard time. I was upset about the whole lack of hope and happiness thing. I didn’t know why I should try anymore…with anything. He’s gone. Nothing matters anymore. So I said to her, “Why? Why bother?” She said, “I guess it comes down to…
Healing Hurts Sometmes
When a friend is sick you hope they will get well soon. If you know someone who has cancer, you might pray fervently for them to be cured. After you’ve had surgery, a friend might call to tell you they hope you will heal quickly, but what about when someone dies. What do we wish then? After Phil’s death I feared getting better. I didn’t want to get…
strange.
gray and black hair, missing teeth, reeking of booze, wearing a shirt that said, “vote no on yes.”the man talked to me about outdated technology while i sat there trying to ignore him staring at the tv, waiting for the results of another election. “what’s your name?” “matt,” i told him. “matthew?” he said, reaching out to shake my hand. “yeah.” he…
Overwhelmed
It happens. A song plays. A breeze brushes past my face. A scene from a movie crosses the screen. I stand in the kitchen for no certain reason. A sunset paints itself across the horizon. Our dog sticks his head out the window. I lay silently in bed.These diminutive things take place, and from head to toe I am overwhelmed with how much I am in love…
Kora
It started with a call from CJ (my brother in law), letting me know that he and Kenzi we’re heading to the hospital to have their baby girl. Rewind to 9 months earlier, it was another dinner and movie night at our home and Kenzi and CJ walked in, stood in the entrance and announced they were pregnant. When the words came out of their mouths, it was…
In My Dreams
Jackie is moving into her new home this week, and so I am filling in for her today. One of our readers commented on this previous post, and after reading it myself I thought I’d share these thoughts once again. I find that every time I read something from the past…I learn a new lesson for the future. The question I am answering today is whether I…
before and after
My three year old nephew, Gabe, told my sister, “Uncle Jeff died, but he still has his imagination.” I love this idea. The belief that ‘his imagination’ or mind is still intact brings me huge relief and comfort.What I find interesting is that I am completely willing to believe this to be true. I know that some of my willingness comes from the need…
Everybody Needs Somebody
I was listening to a song this weekend and for some reason I heard a loud message in it that I’ve not heard before. For whatever reason I felt like Daniel was trying to tell me something. Still trying to figure it out, but thought I’d share it here.So here you are now, nowhere to turn It’s just the same old yesterday. You made a promise to yourself…