I have experienced using the word death, or the word grief, or the word widow and having people physically step away from me. I have been told that since I am young the death of my husband isn’t as large a tragedy as it might be if I were older, since I am sure to remarry. I have been asked whether or not I am “over” my husband. People have looked…
widowed perspective
In Awe
Guilt
I wanted to touch base on guilt, as I believe it has played a role in my grief with Michael’s loss. The guilt that he died and I lived. The guilt of the things he never got to experience that I now have been. The guilt of having eyes to still see this world’s beauty and ears to hear its melodies. The guilt of knowing that he would have handled this…
the bomb
Occasionally, I will meet a stranger in a line-up or a clerk at the store who notices my oft-perceived masculine purchase of a hammer, a litre of oil or a case of beer. Sometimes, people standing close by will make a comment about my husband and how lucky he is that I’m buying him this case of beer, picking up the oil or replacing this hammer. When…
Missing me …..
For the past few weeks I’ve been aware of something: I miss me. Yes, I miss Jim …. still very, very much and still every minute of every day, but I also miss me. The “before Janine”.I liked her. I liked her humor and her sense of fun. I liked that other people thought she was funny and they enjoyed being around her (mostly). I liked that she…
Warning Labels
Since Phil died in August of 2005 I have met thousands of widowed people. That fact astounds me. I speak to a new widowed person daily. Every single day, and I am just one person. And yet I am still surprised by death, both personally and professionally. What? Our loved ones die? Since when? But he was so young! What about the kids left behind? How…
Stinking flowers
When people die, no one really knows what to do. Call? Visit? Send cards, casseroles or flowers? I can personally say that most of the above were very much appreciated. In the fog of grief, many of these overtures were not remembered, unfortunately. So, please, don’t be offended if the thank-you card never arrives. The sympathy cards were kind…
on my terms
after lunch with liz’s friends stopped at the dry cleaners. the lady behind the counter asked for the name. “logelin” she said, “oh! did she have the baby?” fuck. how did she remember liz?i’m the one who did most of the dry-cleaning runs. “yes, she had the baby.” (i hope she leaves it at that). she said, “how is liz doing?”…
Happy Ending?
Someone recently asked me if I thought my current relationship would have a happy ending. I’m sure that person just meant to ask if I pictured being with this man from now on, but I was a bit stunned by that question and just said, “I hope so.” As soon as those words came out I instantly thought, “Of course not”.Does that sound horrible? I don’t…
Every Choice
It’s a song day. I’ve loved this song for years, and it has applied to so many different times in my life when I’ve been faced with making a choice. Since becoming a widow, the idea of choice has been a constant theme in my life. At first just choosing to get out of bed was a conscious decision. As time has passed, it has become a choice to live my…
Saying Yes
As a parent, I have often found saying NO to be easier than saying YES. Over the years I have made a conscious effort to consider the questions my kids ask me before I blurt out a negative response. Many times I realize that the reason I say NO is that I don’t want to take the time to weigh the pros and cons of the request. I will confess that…
Our Fairy Tale
I try not to think too much on all the things we would have done, family we would have built and life together we would have lived. I try not to imagine it too much, for there is a pain associated with the what-ifs and that which we were unable to fulfill as the soul mates we are. We lived our fairy tale. Our own Disney movie.Like a knight on a…
fear of losing more
Jeff’s gone. I know that. The kids know that. But he is still such an enormous part of every day, every moment, every breath. He is thought of constantly. Cherished. Missed.We talk about him multiple times every day. To feel close to him. To ensure that my children, who were so young when their daddy died, exercise those memories so that they are…