My life changed drastically and permanently on December 18, 2007. Nothing is the same. Nothing. I am not the same. I will never be the same. And I’m finally OK with that (I’m not so sure that everyone else is).My children are not the same. And I’m OK with that, too. I don’t have to like it, but I’m OK with it. My home doesn’t feel the same.
widowed perspective
Music Was Our Refuge
The epitaph on Chris’s grave marker says, “Music Was My Refuge.” It is a most appropriate way to remember a man who was a church choir director, a pianist and an organist, a community theater actor, a Norwegian Folk dancer, and a longtime patron of the opera and symphony. In the months after Chris died, I started planning a concert in his…
Ezra’s Pain
As my world stabilizes. As I look forward, instead of back As I feel the earth rooting me, it is exactly as the grief people said it will be. “Many young children hold onto their grief until the surviving parent is able to cope. And then….”…..hell breaks loose. I see them, beyond me. They have changed from “one more thing to deal with” to “how…
call me
I haven’t called Jeff’s number in almost two years. In the first few days after he died, I called him repeatedly….apologizing. Wishing I could have saved him. Begging him to come home. His cell phone number is still programmed into the home phone and my cell phone. I will never be able to delete it. If it is on my phone, it seems that he is just…
pocket dialing
happy 10-week birthday. monday was the day that my perfect baby transformed into little miss fuss. she cried almost the entire day.the only thing that stopped the crying was to hold her. she’s got so much of her mom in her. liz’s parents used to tell this story about liz as a kid, sitting on a swing (more than capable of propelling…
Instinct
Last week one of my children experienced a tragedy. This child called me within minutes of the experience. I listened to him, stunned at what had happened and not believing what he had gone through. My very first thought, my first instinct …. was that I had to call Jim.Seriously. In fact …. I thought that more than one time during the phone…
Then and Now
I spent some time last week reading through my old journal. I wrote in it almost every day for a year after Daniel died. Every once in a while I read through it to remind myself of how far I’ve come. It’s been over a year since I’ve looked at it, and it was some rough reading. I felt so sorry for that poor woman (yes, me). It was painful to relive…
Presumed Dead
I have an internal panic switch which is automatically activated whenever anyone I love, know, am briefly acquainted with, or maybe even have only heard about on the evening news is not where they are supposed to be. Any and all types of missing people are presumed dead, by me, immediately. I have an internal panic switch which is automatically…
My Truth
(From December 09) I had a drink tonight with someone who reminded me to speak my truth. The truth is today was another day. The truth is the eight month anniversary is nothing but a date. The truth is I once stopped counting days. I will now stop counting months.The truth is he was an amazing man. The truth is he loved me more than he loved life.
Yep, that’s me…
I miss the quirky awkwardness that was all ours. The waking up in the morning and making up songs about the cereal I was about to eat. The moments where he’d surprise me….not with roses, but fried okra. Giggling like teenagers as we snuck out to fool around in random parking lots.Smiling at each other during cheesy movies and then getting in the…
ode to your toothbrush
If the toothbrush holder is a reflection of the household occupants, people would think that we were the perfect family of four. A girl, a boy, a mommy, a daddy. All of our toothbrushes stand huddled together in the cup. As I sit on the toilet, I imagine that my toothbrush is staring at yours, begging yours to come back to life. Your toothbrush…
Finding Balance…..
….. seems to be life-long process, doesn’t it? We try to find balance between school work and fun, then between marriage and work, then between marriage and work and children. For the past two years I’ve struggled to find balance between grieving and living.And now my heart is trying to find a new balance …. between a wonderful current…