I am quickly approaching what would be my second wedding anniversary. Can I see a raise of hands as to who thinks this might be a difficult time for me? A no brainer, right?I have come to have a really negative visceral reaction to the word anniversary. It is a sad reality, but I like other young widowed people, missed out on a lot of things that…
widowed dad
a list.
otherwise perfect, this moment became something wholly unexpected when the words drifted from her lips. well, i shouldn’t say that it was wholly unexpected, but the timing most certainly was.the question brought me back in a way that usually only my memory can. “remember what we talked about that one time?” that’s what changed the moment. and…
happy birthday.
it wasn’t the kind of birthday celebration i would have chosen, for her but then there’s very little about this situation that either one of us would have.but after three of them without her this was by far the best. not because i’m over what happened or because i’ve moved on (i prefer the phrase, “moving through,” implying an active process vs.
Waiting
This is the part no one tells you about. This is the part that many do not know. When your spouse dies, you are left with a void, a big void. Your mind constantly reminds you that he is gone, and that what lies before you is an existence that must begin without him. The only problem is, how do you do this? And, what exactly is this new existence…
nothing.
i don’t throw things away. the meaningful, the meaningless, everything is somewhere. in my house. in my garage.tucked away in places i don’t remember, to be found at times i don’t expect to find them. i found a memory a few weeks ago. it was nothing, really. just something i held on to just in case… i can’t believe i kept it in the first place,…
that drive and the ones that followed…
i’m not intuitive or any of that shit, but when he suddenly stopped talking, i let the silence settle through the car.it would have been obvious to anyone (but not everyone) that something was up. it was on the second trip when he turned the volume down on the western music he had gotten for people like me (not knowing that i wanted nothing more…
The Gay Widower
In the days following the death of Michael I began to realize that in addition to losing my husband, I was losing part of my identity. I was having a conversation with someone about Michael when I began stumbling over my words. I hadn’t quite thought out how I would describe him. Up until a few days prior, he was my husband, my spouse, my partner.
something small.
i just found it the other day, still attached to a belt loop on an old pair of jeans.it was part of me everyday for two weeks, that simple metal object, it held on to the things that meant so much to her in life and will mean so much to her daughter when she’s old enough to appreciate them. i tried to put the jeans on, leaving the safety pin where…
not what I imagined
it’s been three years since i was here, in the place that appears to be the end of the earth.my life is much different now than i imagined it would be, (whose isn’t, right?) but being here makes it seem like nothing has changed. that blue building where we stayed is still there. i just walked past it. the boats in the harbor continue to…
found
a few days ago she found them. they’d been sitting in plain view since before her mom died.well, not exactly in plain view… they were covered by a couple of books, but i could see them from where i sat every day, working on our taj. it helped that i knew they were there, otherwise i probably would have looked past them as well. but at two…
camp widow 2010
it started off much the same way it did the year before (in a bar), but i have to say that the 2010 version was even better than 2009. why? several reasons. first, i got to catch up with the folks i met last year. so much had changed for all of us, and i got the sense that even the reason we were there had changed. it’s not that we…
something I didn’t expect
on march 25th, 2008 i had more friends than i’d ever thought i’d have, and more family members than i remembered having.everyone i’d known throughout my life rallied around me in numbers i never could have expected, all of them ready to ready to help me clean my house, (as if i needed a clean house) to feed me (as if i could eat without puking)…