it wasn’t the kind

of birthday celebration

i would have chosen,

for her

but then

there’s very little

about this situation

that either one

of us would have.

but after three

of them

without her

this was by far

the best.

not because i’m

over what

happened or because

i’ve moved on

(i prefer the phrase, “moving through,” implying an active process vs. one that is finished),

but because

the community that has

supported us since

it happened

came together to raise

money for others

like us.

i can honestly

tell you that i never

imagined i’d

be doing the things

that i’ve done

since that moment

in march 2008,

and i’m glad

i didn’t do

what i’ve wanted

to do so often.

i didn’t give up

then, and i haven’t

given up since.

it’s stupid

to even think

about, but if she could

just see the good

that has come

from so much

sadness, i know

she’d be

pretty fucking proud.