it wasn’t the kind
of birthday celebration
i would have chosen,
for her
but then
there’s very little
about this situation
that either one
of us would have.
but after three
of them
without her
this was by far
the best.
not because i’m
over what
happened or because
i’ve moved on
(i prefer the phrase, “moving through,” implying an active process vs. one that is finished),
but because
the community that has
supported us since
it happened
came together to raise
money for others
like us.
i can honestly
tell you that i never
imagined i’d
be doing the things
that i’ve done
since that moment
in march 2008,
and i’m glad
i didn’t do
what i’ve wanted
to do so often.
i didn’t give up
then, and i haven’t
given up since.
it’s stupid
to even think
about, but if she could
just see the good
that has come
from so much
sadness, i know
she’d be
pretty fucking proud.