sometimes most times when things are at their most difficult, madeline is there to distract me. remind me just how happy i can be.and she does this just by growing up. today, she sat silently mostly quietly on my lap in a theater in hollywood as we watched a movie. there was a little talking, but mostly it was laughing at the right times…
widowed dad
holidays.
i dislike them. i always have (and i’m pretty sure i’ve mentioned that here before).but i do these things for maddy, mostly because her mom loved them, and partially because i can remember what it was like to be a kid before high school brought on my cynicism and jaded me beyond repair. anyway, on saturday brooke and i took maddy to see santa…
Driving home.
I’m having computer problems, so I’m writing via my iPhone. Today I moved into my new home. It’s a home I fell immediately in love with. During the past few days I have trying to coordinate so many things at once, and found myself amazed at how smoothly it was all going. As others have pointed out to me lately, life seems to be going my way.If life…
a resemblance.
everyone tells me that my daughter looks like her mother. and when i say everyone, i mean everyone. *our family. *our friends. *strangers who’ve only seen photos of them. …when i look at madeline i, (of course), recognize the resemblance. and when i remember liz, and when i see photos of liz, that connection becomes even more apparent. … during…
things.
one by one, with each trip to minnesota, they started to appear. new to me. new to maddy,but obviously only new to the two of us. first it was the bucket of crayons. then the silk pillow and matching silk blanket. then the baton with the water and green glitter inside. this trip? a plastic doll house and all the accessories that belonged inside. no…
whose memories?
are the memories i have mine, or do they belong to someone else? i think about that a lot.like yesterday i was driving through hollywood and i saw an apartment building that we considered moving into. i could remember the interior, and i could remember the balcony, and the sound of traffic, and the smell of new paint and new carpet, and several…
strange.
gray and black hair, missing teeth, reeking of booze, wearing a shirt that said, “vote no on yes.”the man talked to me about outdated technology while i sat there trying to ignore him staring at the tv, waiting for the results of another election. “what’s your name?” “matt,” i told him. “matthew?” he said, reaching out to shake my hand. “yeah.” he…
gone.
it’s gone. but how could it be? i was just there a month ago… it had been there since before my memories of this city were actual experiences. close to 9 years.we used to go there when we lived in the neighborhood. almost every saturday or sunday, we’d sit under the awning, on the sidewalk listening to the cars drive by, watching the hipsters…
This is my history
I have been feeling kind of lost lately. I’m a bit unsure about a lot of things. For one, I have been renting a house for the past few months while I sell off my house in San Francisco, which has provided the kids and I a temporary home while we get settled into San Diego. As of today, I no longer own a house. Yes, my house sold, which is good, but…
a trip.
we needed toget away.just the three of us.so we did.off to honolulu.with no plansother than toensure thatmadeline had the timeof her life.(that’s my only real goal in life).she did.she played on the beach and in the ocean and at the zoo and even took in a couple of sunsets. none of this iseasy, but a fewmoments alone togethergo a longway in helping…
Losing the Memories
There are many challenges associated with grief and loss that I expected, but I didn’t expect this one. On Lisa’s birthday, I found myself thinking about her and thinking about us. As I reflected, I realized that I hadn’t been thinking about her as often. I wouldn’t say it’s been a long while, but in terms of the time between reflections I…
mirrors.
i was looking for something else, but i found two mirrors, buried in bags, buried in boxes, buried in a garage.buried. one, part of a fold-up hairbrush. the other, a compact to check her makeup. i found the compact first. i don’t think i’d ever seen it before. i held it. i closed my eyes. slowly. slowly. slowly. i opened it. i opened them. i saw…