For some reason, I always feel that this blog should be sad and grief-driven. But, today I just feel AMAZING! It would have been our 10th anniversary last week, and yes, it was hard, I mean really hard. However, it wasn’t nearly as hard as in the past. Partly why I feel so good is that I used my heavy bag for 30…
widowed by cancer
Living on Kairos Time~
I’m continually searching for new and fascinating podcasts to listen to as I drive my Odyssey of Love. Podcasts by people who think outside the box. Live outside expectations. See beyond what we’ve generally been taught, whether intentionally or culturally. This perception in thinking isn’t new to me; I was raised to read and question and educate…
Not an Identity Crisis~
I don’t want to only be known as a widow. I’m more than that. But I don’t know what I am any longer. I’ve heard and read such words so frequently in these 6 years since Chuck’s death. What and who am I now? Am I single? Am I still married? How do I define myself?Honestly, these are the same questions that most people ask themselves at a certain…
Adding it All Up~
April 21, 2013. 11:21 pm. It all stopped at that moment. He took a quick breath in. So did I. And that was it.And the clock continued ticking. It ticked into today. June 25, 2019. 194,915,716 seconds. 3,248,595 minutes. 54,143 hours. 2,255 days. 322 weeks. 74 months. 6 years. Time is relentless, isn’t it? It continues on, no matter what. Same as…
Generations of ‘Love’
No one tells you, or really talks about how boring parenting can be. Everyone loves to talk about all the fun stuff kids do. It’s easy to talk about the fiery, youthful enthusiasm that makes them entertaining. It’s fun to talk about children being silly and pretending to be animals. There is nothing cuter than watching a 6-year-old hop…
Thinking, and Overthinking~
What do you think about happiness? The possibility for it, in widowhood, I mean. And has the word changed in meaning for you since the death of your person? Do you even know what it means in this life after?I don’t know what happiness or joy means in this life. It certainly isn’t what it used to be when Chuck was alive. When I felt easy,…
This Uncertain Terrain~
This landscape of widowhood. Of grief. The Alaskan tundra. The Sahara Desert. The Austrailian Outback. Every side road in between cities and towns. This parched landscape of devastation. This existence of one where there was once two. I picture nothingness in the midst of these tundras and deserts. Nothingness under bright blue skies and a sun so…
Numbers Again~
On May 29 I celebrated 10 years of fulltiming on the open road. The first 4 were with my beloved husband, Chuck. The last 6 have been solo. Widowed. Wishing for it to be different, and living it fully, at the same time. Living on the road in my little pink trailer, driving my pink car, this Odyssey of Love, is just what I do, and I don’t give a…
Space
Whenever my daughtyer and I sleep next to each other there is a space beside us. When I am getting Anisha ready for school there is a space next to us. When we sleep next to each other, there is a space next to us. When we have breakfast, lunch and dinner, there is a space next to us. When we walk to a playground, there is a space next to us.
Fragile Confidence
My daughter has a friend over for a playdate today and it has been a good introspective snapshot of where I am at. I keep thinking that I have all of this new confidence, but some remnants of the old me remain, like persistent weeds that always finds new tunnels to the surface. My daughter has a friend over for a playdate…
A Thousand Years Ago~
A thousand years ago I leaned down Placed my hands to each side of your sunken cheeks Closed my eyes, As yours were closed, And so very gently kissed your lips that had gone completely white As you took your last breath.A thousand years ago As I kissed your lips, As I’d kissed them thousands of times before This time now, for the last time… My…
Socializing While Grieving
Seems like being a widower means adjusting my view of the world to an existence of being damaged, marred and/or scarred for the rest of my life. Life is now about managing the constant reminders of love lost. Maybe, just like my poor eyesight, my grief is becoming a deficit that I will have to carry forward as I am constantly reminded…