…. to be jolly. Ho, ho ….. oh whatever. I mostly loathe this Season. I really do. And that ticks me off. Because I didn’t “before”. I loved Christmas and everything it entails. It was a wonderful time of the year for me spiritually, emotionally …. the older kids came home from college for several weeks, and physically …. loved the parties,…
widow
Wake me up when December ends
It’s December 1, 2011. I bought a new car today. My very first new car ever. The very first car I have bought all by myself. Something bright and shiny and new to replace the old and falling apart, frustrating and faded. I should feel happy. But I don’t.I am gripped by the worst grief I have felt in months. “A new car – you are so lucky”…
Groceries
The grocery store It’s been one of the biggest grief triggers for me. At first, I couldn’t bring myself to go at all. Thank god for the kindness of friends and coworkers who kept my fridge and freezer stocked for the first month or so. Thank god for my closest friends who grocery shopped for me at first.Eventually, I managed to go on my own, but…
Learn
It starts with words. Then numbers. Your shoe laces. Sentences. Driving. Kissing. Love. Death. The things we learn in the earliest of ages can sometimes make us nostalgic. To have no worries but to learn what 1 + 2 equals. To clean your room. To use stick shift.Then life happens and adds dimension and layers you could have never imagined. The warm,…
the unhelpful helper
When I first became a widow, I wanted everyone to go away. I did not want to talk, discuss, be comforted, or hear anyone. I found everything overwhelming and the need to communicate with others verbally was not at all on the list of desired actions. I was annoyed by the needs of others. Their want to know I was okay or that the kids were…
Is There a Statute of Limitations ….
…. on now long Jim will remain on so many mailing lists? Because …. really?! It’s been 4 years. Well, Three years and 11 months, but who’s counting? Besides me? I don’t think there’s a day that goes by without getting something in the mail that’s addressed to him. And mostly, it’s just junk mail. And I get that. I really do. Because…
I am strong.
I am strong. I am incredibly strong. I never knew how strong Before. I wonder how I survived those first few minutes of knowing, those first few hours of screaming, that first night, week, month, year. But I did. …and so I know I am made of strong stuff. I know it’s true because I am still here, raising two children, finding joy where I can get…
Chapter Two
I now divide my life into two chapters. Chapter one began when I met Dave. My life path suddenly became clear with him. I felt really safe and loved for the first time. My grades in college improved, the lifelong battle I’d had with insomnia disappeared. I moved across the country to be with this man who turned my world around. We spent…
Weird
I’d be lying if I said I miss being weird…I still am and will always be. But oh…how I miss being weird with him. Not so much weird with him, but ourselves completely. I impressed him with my Gallum impersonation. He impressed me with his Chewbacca roar. He spent his lunch breaks watching Star Trek Next Generation, and loved that I collected…
It’s Us Against the World
I heard this song by Coldplay recently and it made me think of all of us. Thought I’d share it. Hugs to all of you. Don’t let go. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tGlqmn2HSTk Oh morning come bursting the clouds amen Lift off this blindfold let me see again Bring back the water let your ships roll in In my heart she left a hole The…
a blessing for all things
The unthankful heart discovers no mercies; but the thankful heart will find, in every hour, some heavenly blessings. — Henry Ward Beecher I have found that at times, I am a whiny, ungrateful little sap. I moan at life’s injustice and cry out at the lot I have been given. I beat my fists against fate and want to scream when I hear “It happened…
Counting My Blessings ….
…. and there are six of them. Well, I have way more than six blessings …. but the main ones, the biggest ones …. are the six people who are now home with me. My …. our …. six children. Only two of them live at home now …. and one of those is leaving in January. He’s going to boot camp. For the Marines. But I’m not going to think…