It is no secret…. my engagement ring is part of me. When he slipped it on my finger that September day, it symbolized more than our unity, but more so our eternal love, undying dedication and taking this journey together…never faltering.It is a main reason that I wanted Michael cremated with his on. It eternalized it. It cemented what was…
widow
which way did he go?
Jeff’s birthday was on the 16th. The kids and I performed our birthday tradition of making him a blueberry pie. As per Liv and Briar’s directions, we lit a candle and stood on the back deck waiting for him (aka the wind) to blow it out. After a few minutes, the kids ‘helped’ him and blew it out themselves.It broke my heart to watch them standing…
I Still Miss You
I Still Miss YouI’ve changed the presets in my truckso those old songs don’t sneak upthey still find me and remind meyeah you come back that easytry restaurants I’ve never been toorder new things off the menuthat I never tried cause you didn’t liketwo drinks in you were by my sideI’ve talked to friendsI’ve talked to myselfI’ve talked to GodI prayed…
Spring Break!
I should be sitting in one of these chairs this week, it’s spring break. I’m not, but my little guy will be heading to the beach with my parents tomorrow and he’s looking forward to the trip. I am guiltily looking forward to three days on my own. As an only parent I get very few opportunities to do “me things” without having to ask someone’s help…
Flashbacks
Phil died a violent death. Though my brain acknowledges this fact, I have tried to shield my heart from the reality of his final moments. I am not a person who ever felt compelled to explore the details of the exact location of his body on the pavement, or the number of seconds it took the driver to pull over after the accident. My imagination…
Skipping Out
You have cataracts.” my eye doctor declares. “I what?” You have cataracts, she says, this time a little more slowly since I obviously don’t understand her the first time. “But I’m 45 years old” I think.Out loud I say, “Aren’t I a bit young?” She says “Yes but it was probably bought on by the low dose steroids you’ve been on for years due to your…
you were mine
You were mine.I am yours.Until this body,marked by the love you laid upon it,In every fold,The softened belly,Stretched skin,Withers,and in this frailtyFalls and follows you.Only then,no longer will I be…yours.It will be past.But with you,In you,Through you,I’ll be.I’ll wait.A shadow.Your shadow.I’ll trail behind you.A dark ribbon.But you…
Is It Worth the Effort?
I am in a relationship. It’s been about 5 months now and it’s mostly going great. Mostly. I am finding that having a relationship while still grieving for what I do not have is very, very difficult. Of course it’s difficult to blend the children. Some of mine are making it WAY difficult. His (he has been a widower for over 8 years) have been great.
In it for the Long Haul
For the longest time the question that haunted me was: “why him, why not me?” – for a while, the question was more often “why not take me too?”. Michele and I used to talk about the big black ship that would come pick us up and carry us away to wherever Phil and Daniel were. I told myself I’d jump on that boat and race away without a second…
It’s Track Season Again
I always associate the first blooming flowers of Spring with the start of track season. Phil lived for track season in the same way some people live for football season. He attended every live track meet within driving distance of our house(mind you this takes all day), watched professional meets on TV, knew the names and times of world record…
Happiness- Provided by Me
“I define comfort as self-acceptance. When we finally learn that self-care begins and ends with ourselves, we no longer demand sustenance and happiness from others.” -Jennifer Louden Let me just say how much I love this quote. I really should print it on cards and hand it out to those who make the snide remarks that I will not be able to be…
A Thought For The Day
“Life is filled with both love and loss, but love is always stronger.” ~unknown…