I am in a relationship.

It’s been about 5 months now and it’s mostly going great.

Mostly.

I am finding that having a relationship while still grieving for what I do not have is very, very difficult.

Of course it’s difficult to blend the children. Some of mine are making it WAY difficult.

His (he has been a widower for over 8 years) have been great.

But that’s not it.

It’s me.

I find it difficult to NOT expect what I had before….

To not expect to feel the way I felt when Jim and I fell in love (yes, that was 29 years ago …. my life–and I — were a wee bit different).

To not wish that Jim were still here so that this would be a moot point.

To not compare the two men …. sometimes.

To not think, “Jim would/would never have said/done that.”

To not think, “Jim knew everything about me … even before I opened my mouth to speak.”

To not think, “I (still) can NOT believe that this is my life!”

 

I try.

I think that I’m getting better at all of this …. little by little.

But it’s a very long road.

Very long.

I am grateful that this man is walking on the same path that we all are.

He understands.

He is incredibly patient with me.

 

And while there are some days when I ask, “Is it worth the effort?” …… there are other days when I can say …. without a doubt ….. “Yes it is.”

Very much so.

 

But then, I don’t think there’s much in life that isn’t worth the effort.

We just have to make a choice.

And today, this day, I choose love.

Again.