what shape waits . . . the shape of what was what is what will be transformation. how am I different? or the same? in the seed of you . . . the seed of me of sorrow of grief of survival of resilience of gratitude i am the seed of yesterdays i am the […]
Widowed
Colder Weather
With my second Thanksgiving without Erik right around the corner, I find myself getting multiple flashbacks of all our past Thanksgivings. Thanksgiving was the first time I introduced Erik to my family a decade ago. The thought of another year with an empty seat with his name on it sets in more this second time […]
The Last Thanksgiving
Trigger alerts for: addiction, depression, and bitter sweet holiday memories. The last Thanksgiving that Mario and I had together was in 2020. It was the pandemic year, so we didn’t have a large group. It was just his dad, my parents, and a friend of ours. No one really knew it would be the last […]
Things They’ve Missed
Or Have They? There are plenty of things about widowhood that are “stage” reliant. How many days, weeks, or months its been since our person died. How many years since they left us. But the category of “things they missed” seems to come round no matter the specifics of time. It’s a category that never […]
Where is Daddy?
Repost! Each day still takes my breath away a little. Each realization that Erik is no longer here and it truly is just me and the twins now. There is no escaping this reality or pretending it isn’t true any longer. What I didn’t realize was how soon the questions would come. Where is daddy, […]
When They Call You Mrs
I don’t find myself in many situations where there is an opportunity for me to be addressed formerly. 99.9% of the time I answer to Emily and Mom. Thankfully, my boys haven’t started calling me Bruh…yet. Last week I was volunteering at the elementary school for the bookfair. The kids get to shop or browse […]
Balance
There are times when being someone who is very empathic is tough. Over the years, I’ve learned ways to kind of shield myself and my energy if need be, but when there is so much awful in the world happening at one time, it’s difficult. I felt this way during the start of the pandemic […]
A Wandering Poem Came to Me
To Teach Me of Myself The Universe is immense; yet, we are able to find ourselves if we pay attention. The Universe is a map for beginnings and endings; for what-if’s and what-about’s; for mystery. The Universe is filled with discarded satellites, remnants of rockets, memories of meteorites, and wandering poems to […]
Fleeting Sense of Safety
Ever since Erik’s passing my sense of home and safety has been fleeting. Every second of every day my mind is constantly filled with never-ending thoughts of things that need to get done, questions about the future, re-plays of the past, worry about the what-ifs, and everything in between. One of my biggest thoughts is […]
The One Where I Get Older
Last week, Tony was supposed to have his 46th birthday, but he is forever 43. Today is my 44th birthday. Each birthday since he passed has been a death milestone. The first one after he passed, then the one where I was as old as he ever will be, and finally now I am older […]
The day after.
How many times have you thought back to your “day after”? That day, after your spouse shuffled off their mortal coil and you had to face a whole new life on your own, is not one that’s easily forgotten (even with the passage of time). Every now and then, that first day will pop into […]
Pursuing the Practical:
What do I need in this moment? Along the path of grieving, I’ve found many practical and proactive steps I can take to avoid trauma and to tune into my needs on a daily basis. With therapy, books, and good teachers along the way, I am learning to respond to what my body, mind, and […]