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Colder Weather

Posted on: November 21, 2023 | Posted by: Diana Mosson

Photo by Timothy Eberly on Unsplash

With my second Thanksgiving without Erik right around the corner, I find myself getting multiple flashbacks of all our past Thanksgivings. Thanksgiving was the first time I introduced Erik to my family a decade ago. The thought of another year with an empty seat with his name on it sets in more this second time around. This year definitely hits a little harder. The numbness and shock that helped me through all the “firsts” has worn off more as the months go by. The reality of celebrating these holidays without my husband and my children’s father brings forth the deep aching feeling that sits uneasily in the pit of my stomach and heart.

Thanksgiving is supposed to be a time to spend with family and reflect on what you are thankful for in life. But the question that comes up in my mind constantly is, “How can I be thankful for my husband not being here?” It doesn’t even feel like a complete family without Erik. Of course I’m thankful for our beautiful children, but this was not the life I had envisioned. Not for me, them, or him. And I find myself having these thoughts constantly as I see and hear the words Thanksgiving all around me. But how could I still not be thankful for still being here for the twins? For all the love we still have. I ran across an excerpt from “I Look to the Mourning Sky” by Liz Newman that really set the tone for the conflicting feelings I was having over Thanksgiving.

Because the grief sits

at the table where you used to be,

but your love helps me through it

and keeps me company.

And no matter what it brings

to the table, I’ll take my seat,

I’ll face it, I’ll feel it

in honor of your memory.

As I try to look on the “brighter” side of things around this time of year, I am learning to sit with my feelings. Even with sadness in my heart I still try to make sure the twins aren’t affected by my feelings, which isn’t an easy feat. I want them to be able to experience the holidays as we have always wished for them. As they were prior to Erik’s passing. The laughs, the happiness, the love. Today I sat with my feelings and I found that it is okay for me to be sad at the same time as being excited that I still get to make these memories with our kids. So I am thankful for the time Erik and I did have, I am thankful for our beautiful family knowing every butterfly I see is him watching over us, and I am thankful for all the love that is still here. For everyone missing a loved one at the table this Thanksgiving, I hope their love finds ways to sit with you this week. Happy Thanksgiving.

Categories: Widowed, Widowed Parenting, Widowed Effect on Family/Friends, Widowed Memories, Widowed and Healing, Widowed Holidays, Widowed Milestones, Widowed Emotions, Widowed Suddenly, Widowed by Suicide, Uncategorized

About Diana Mosson

Diana was widowed at 29. Her love story with her husband Erik began in the most unexpected of places, the Long Beach DMV. That day, it felt as though fate had brought them together. Their fairytale romance blessed them with a lifetime of love that would now be expressed through grief.

Saint Patrick’s Day of 2022 became the time stamp of when Diana’s life changed forever. The day that she became a widow and a solo parent to one and a half year old twins. The day that her husband died by suicide. The day that her training in emergency management kicked in as she tried to save her husband’s life. And the day that she learned her husband was suffering in silence.

Diana is sharing her story and experience as she navigates how to overcome this new reality in the hope that it will be someone else’s survival guide one day.

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