What do I need in this moment?
Along the path of grieving, I’ve found many practical and proactive steps I can take to avoid trauma and to tune into my needs on a daily basis. With therapy, books, and good teachers along the way, I am learning to respond to what my body, mind, and spirit are telling me.
Grief brings many challenges to our bodies, emotions, and spirit, rendering the word “overwhelm” to an understatement. Sometimes we need a stop-gap to get us to that next appointment or to feel relief from the symptoms of grief that can bury us.
In the last two and a half years, I’ve experienced many of these symptoms and solutions. My process begins with tuning in. For me, that begins with looking for clues in my body, mind, and spirit.
BODY (Physical)
Clues: exhaustion, stress, fear
PRACTICAL: I begin by looking at my habits of eating and sleeping. Do I need a nap? Have I eaten? The path of grief takes us out of our normal experience of time and the normal routine that our body is used to. We may need a bit more sleep at times. For me, napping helps. I set a timer, because I find that too much sleep leaves me feeling groggy.
What about that bug-a-boo, fear?
Ahhhh….my inherited life companion….call it nature or nurture, but my Grandmother’s fears are vivid in my mind, as are my dad’s and my auntie’s.
Where do I land? A bit of self-talk helps me when fear starts setting up camp inside of me. I say,
“How am I in this moment? Are the things I fear impacting me now?”
I remind myself, “future is not yet written.”
The present moment is often my safe place when it comes to fear if I take a practical action…phone a friend, go for a walk, dive into a favorite feel-good movie….the fear passes and looks less scary.
I ask my body:
What do I need in THIS moment?
What is one small step toward filling that need?
MIND (and the emotions that follow thinking)
Clues: overwhelm, sadness, loneliness
PRACTICAL: As a lifelong introvert, I enjoy an active inner life. I am my own best friend and my own worst enemy. Oh the power of thought!
As an “inner processor” I sometimes fall into rumination….going over the same story in my mind like a revolving door. I can get stuck here and have learned that I need to be awake to signs of that negative habit.
One thing I’ve discovered is that what is going on with my body directly impacts my mind.
Not enough sleep? Negative thinking stalks me.
Haven’t eaten well or filled with caffeine, sugar, and junk food? The world feels like a sucky place for me.
Overwhelm could be a synonym for Grief. My life partner, who shared in the “carrying” of everything in this life, can no longer carry his half.
Overwhelm & Change seem to be best mates….but I’ve found there is a timing to these things. Change can feel scary and impossible at times.
I’m learning that there is no need to rush to action. I can consider change, sit with it, discuss it with someone I trust. These actions alone can be empowering along our healing path.
One stop gap I’ve found with these heavy hitters, overwhelm, sadness, loneliness, is BEAUTY. For me, the beauty of a single sunflower can lift my mood and bring a new perspective.
Many uncomfortable feelings are a normal part of grief. We are fortunate in our age that there are meds that can also help—for a little or a long while—we can get some relief and also find our own way of coping, too.
I ask my mind:
What do I need in THIS moment?
What is one small step toward filling that need?
And finally, SPIRIT….the unnameable something in us that seeks meaning in life, peace & purpose, and lovely conversations with special friends. The part of us that seeks deep meaning, hope, and inspiration.
SPIRIT
Clues: dullness, joylessness, buried in responsibilities
PRACTICAL: Mother Nature is the “best mom” for me when I am lacking the beauty of spirit in my life. When my responsibilities block any view of joy, I head to nearby nature. If I am on a “responsibility bender” I head to Google and see what kind of adventure will fit my pocketbook and work schedule….something to look forward to….something that contains beauty and leads to hope that I CAN create this new life that I never asked for.…
If going out is not an option, and travel is too far in the future for my tired imagination, I go to the TV and stream me some beauty.
I sometimes seek out engaging, positive documentaries, concerts, or stories of how whales in the wild take care of each other.
One time, in my first few months of widowhood, I sought movies that were about being widowed.
One of my favorites, Susan Sarandon The Meddler, subtly shows the shock and overwhelm of grief; the running we sometimes do, the race to ignore the pain, and the eventual discovery of something new in us. All this with Susan’s great acting and the healing balm of humor.
I ask my spirit:
What do I need in THIS moment?
What is one small step toward filling that need?
