For 15 years (from 20 to 35 – while Dave and I were together), I didn’t think I wanted kids. I knew Dave really didn’t and I figured that little nagging question mark in the depths of my heart (Should I? Am I missing out?) was just about questioning and doubting, which is what I do about everything. From the moment he died, though, something…
Widowed
A Powerful Irony
Dearest Pepe, This week you’ve been on my heart minute to minute as the anniversary of our final kiss has loomed large. Flashes of the last week we shared as husband and wife have been spontaneously popping into my head with surprising clarity. There is no rhyme or reason to these recollections, and the bittersweetness of memory has both…
My Own Worst Enemy
I feel like I’ve been in a rut for more than a month now, since Dan’s first anniversary. I’ve had days here and there where I’ve been able to smile and actually mean it, but in general, the pain has been very deep and the ache for him, overwhelming. The grief has been so relentless that it’s started messing with my head and making me…
Changes and Things
We all arrive at that time after our loved one dies where we look around and see what remains. What remains of a person who filled our lives in one way or another or so completely that we look at their physical belongings and are struck with disbelief that this is it. The sum of their existence. My husband and I specialized in not being…
I hate to ask…. again
Saturday morning I woke up with a 103 temperature. So as soon as a reasonable hour hit, I called my parents, asking if they could look after John for the day. On short notice.Again.Yet another thing I hate about widowhood. That sometimes you need to call on assistance to the point where you KNOW it’s impacting others. Maybe asking…
Seeking peace
I’ve been thinking about the loss of my mother a lot lately. She died in August, so no wonder. This time of year, her absence is particularly palpable. She’s been gone 33 years and I’ve never gotten over her death. I don’t feel at peace about it. I feel a missing part, a vacuum where she should be. I rail at the universe for a life without her. I’m…
Spirit
Living with the loss of partner, or any great loss, is one of the most challenging things we will ever face in life. It sends us on a journey through the fire – into a darkness the likes of which we have never experienced before. It brings us to our knees and breaks us. Severely. I certainly remember this feeling well. Before my fiancé died, I…
Widows Do the Darndest Things
This week I found myself participating in some very strange widow behavior, searching google earth for images of my husband when he was still alive. It started last week when I was using the program to check an address and noticed there is a sliding time line in Google Earth where you can go back weeks/months/years and see satellite images from…
Time Piece
I never forget that I’m a widow. I never forget that my husband is dead forever. I never forget my reality. But … There are times. Moments. Feelings. There is being with my family, staying at my parent’s house, like this weekend, and getting lost inside of something that is beyond my widowhood – something that sees far past my life without my…
A Momentary Lapse
I said to my stepdaughter yesterday after another conversation about some of the fallout in our lives since her Dad died, wow, we’ve learned so much about grief. It’s not something we asked for, but now we understand things like what to say and what not to say to people in mourning. And we can relate to other people who are experiencing loss, with…
Inversions
I felt safe with Chuck. Emotionally. Physically. Every way. I knew that if a situation arose, he could handle it. I felt protected in a way I’d never felt in my first marriage. My well-being was first and foremost in his mind. His military training was in his blood and he’d run through “what if” situations with me so that I could…
This Woman I Do Not Know
Many have posted all over the net, and here, how the death of Robin Williams has affected them. Their surprise… or degree there of. The loss of his creativity and ability to shower abundant joy on others. Of how his catalogue of work is central to their childhood and youth. The stories of someone who, by the reports, was a kind and generous…