I never dream about Dave. This doesn’t make sense to me. He was the most important person in my life for 15 years. We were so close and we spent so much time together. Where is he in my dreams? I dream of people who’ve barely been in my life at all instead. I have stress dreams about teaching like I used to have every late summer as fall…
Widowed
To Be the Giver
Every once in a while, something slams into us without warning. On a hot summer night two years ago, it was the phone call, with my father-in-law on the other end of the line telling me that the love of my life was in a crash while flying, and he didn’t make it. His death slammed into me like two planets colliding. And then this week, on another…
Taking time out
Self-care can be taking the time to enjoy the light and scent of a beautiful candleThis week I started out wanting to write about how difficult it’s been facing the onslaught of traditional and social media commentary on Robin Williams’ death, from the point of view of a suicide widow. I wanted to talk about how it felt to read the ignorant,…
Robin Williams and The Door
As heartbroken as I am about the death of Robin Williams, I am not entirely shocked. Not entirely. I recall about 4 or 5 months ago maybe, seeing him as a guest on some late night talk show. (cannot remember which one) I remember distinctly thinking to myself that he looked exhausted, withdrawn, and old. Not old in the way that he got gray hair…
Gathering Rosebuds
Gather ye rosebuds while ye may,Old time is still a-flying;And this same flower that smiles todayTomorrow will be dying. -Robert Herrick Robin Williams died this week. Too early. He was in pain. Hard for us all out here who didn’t know him personally to imagine this, seeing only what he gave us in his performances – so much laughter, so much…
Shhhhhhh
Shhhh… You can’t see me. I am an amorphous spirit living within the physical body of the woman I used to be. I’m not really here. The mute button has been activated and what you (the world) sees is a woman who wears a lot of pink, who drives a pink car, towing a pink-trimmed trailer around the country. Perhaps, I think to myself, this pink, my…
Wow, What a Widow Brain
I had intended to write about the crappiness of turning 40 over the weekend as a widow. How much I wish Ian was here to mark this milestone, and because he’s not, I had no real desire to celebrate or really mark the occasion. But have friends insisting that I do so (so compromised with a very expensive dinner for a small group of friends). But then…
Compounding
In the car the other day an Iron and Wine song came on. I’ve never paid attention to the lyrics before but suddenly, they penetrated and I heard them for the first time. It’s not a new topic for a song: a soldier at war, missing his wife and kid and finally coming home. However, I wasn’t expecting the twist at the end…And I want to see my…
Carry On, Phenomenon
It’s been a while since I’ve cried like I did tonight. And it wasn’t because of anything profound happening. It was just because of a movie. I went out to see The Hundred Foot Journey. It was a beautiful movie and a well-told story. And I am a big foodie, so I always love a movie that bubbles with a deep, soulful love of food. The part that really…
The Green-Eyed Monster
On my good days, I can look at some of the qualities I’ve seen in myself since my husband died and feel proud of how I’ve handled this pain. For example, I see a lot more strength and resilience in myself now. I see a compassionate person, a sensitive person, and someone wiser who can focus on the bigger picture rather than get angry or…
Party of One
I go to a lot of places alone. I have never had a problem with spending time alone, even before my husband died. I moved out of small town Massachusetts when I was 18 years old, to NYC, to go to Theatre school and pursue a career in acting and comedy. After having roommates for years on end, I lived by myself for 4 years in an apartment in New…
Stormy Weather
Don’t know why there’s no sun up in the sky Stormy weather Since my man and I ain’t together, Keeps rainin’ all the time – Stormy Weather, Billie Holliday As I type this, not one, but two hurricanes are barreling their way towards the Big Island of Hawaii, where I live. Honestly, I really just found out about all of this on Tuesday. Since Mike…