The sun shone a little brighter for me this week. The grass looked a little greener; my steps were a little lighter; the sounds of my nephews playing was a little sweeter and my smile was a little easier. Finally, after what has felt like a really long low, my grief appears to be lifting and easing again. I haven’t felt this good for months. I had…
Widowed
The 9-11 Effect
There is something I have noticed in relation to both 9-11 and Don’s death. I refer to it as “the 9-11 Effect.” Remember right after 9-11, how NYC and America, became a totally different place, and people changed overnight from bitter, hurried grumps who didn’t have a second to spare to patriotic, beautiful, generous, patient souls? Remember how in…
Life Lag
The past few days since I got home from my trip I’ve been struggling to readjust to a 10 hour time difference. My sleep has been both in fits and spurts, and long and heavy, and at weird times. But when I woke up this morning after a solid nine hours my first thought was, ok, maybe I’m starting to catch up now, and can get back to normal pretty…
By Any Other Name
I’ve had a bit of an odd thought lately, running through my mind. When Chuck proposed to me 24 years ago, I was ecstatic but had a condition. He had to be okay with me keeping my maiden name. I’d taken it back after my divorce and it had taken work on my part in womens’ groups and counseling to win back the me who’d disappeared for the years of…
Stumped
It’s one of those ‘what the heck to I write about’ weeks. It’s hard because it’s been a “good” week. Which is really anything that isn’t a bad week. The week has been without too many of those sledgehammer ‘my husband’s dead’ moments. And when they’ve come, it’s been at odd times, like unstacking the dishwasher. But it’s simply been a week where we…
Co-proposed
As we hike through a mountainous eastern Oregon wilderness, I feel that dip in my stomach, like the moment before you plunge down a roller coaster hill as I think about the man walking in front of me on the trail. I feel solid in footing and grateful for the chance to be living a life with him. I feel, after knowing him for 8 months, that he had…
Not Like Any Other Normal Day
While my husband was taking his last breath, I was at home re-potting these plants. Totally oblivious that my world – as I knew it – was about to end. The shower drain in my bathroom really needs to be cleaned out, yet the thought of doing it causes the blood in my body to rush to my toes and leaves me feeling like I can’t breathe. You see,…
The Healing Cycle
This past week something really big happened for me. It was one of those things that originally came out of nowhere, yet will be something I will remember for the rest of my life. It all began almost a year ago, with an email. The woman writing to me was a poet, and she came across my photography online and wanted to use one of my images for the…
The Joan Effect
I am crying tonight, because Joan Rivers has died.I did not know her. I have never met her. She was not my friend. But something, many things actually, about her, resonated with me – and so I felt this unspoken kinship with her. Female. Comedian. Widow. Those are all me. Those are all Joan. As a woman, I identified with and respected like hell her…
Far and Away
The past two weeks I’ve been on a trip – a week with my folks in Virginia, and as this posts, I’m finishing up another week in the UK visiting my new guy’s family. I am sad that Mike and I didn’t travel more together. We did visit my family in Virginia a few times, and he was mesmerized by the place – the lush vegetation, the history – the…
Simple Words
I don’t really have any words this week. I miss my husband more than any words can convey. The more time passes, the more months go by, the more deeply embedded his absence from my life becomes. If I were to write a full blog this week, it would consist of I miss you, I miss you, I miss you over and over and over again.It would be written to my…
Existing
In 1998/99 I spent a year living and teaching English conversation in Japan. And up until recently, I would describe that year in many ways as ‘existing’, not ‘living’. But in retrospect, I had something resembling a life there, not a great one, but I was engaged socially with the expat community. Now at home, as a widow, I really find I’m in a…