Today is 19 months and one week since Mike died. How long am I going to count like this? Forever? Is this just the widowed way to measure time? I seem unable to think about it any other way, and I have yet to hear any other widow’s experience being any different. So many of my conversations these days start with either when Mike was alive… or…
Widowed
All to Myself
Right from a young age, Ian encouraged co-sleeping with John. Ian always wanted him close. It was a habit I personally wasn’t keen on, but let it slide. Once they were both asleep (like in this photo), I’d take Ian’s glasses off, and move John to his crib. Since it was the easiest way to calm John, I maintained that habit once Ian got sick and…
Oh Yes, I’m Running
Our younger son asked me recently, in reference to this full-time life on the road that I’m living, if I’m doing this as a way of running away from the pain and grief. It’s a legitimate question and something I’ve pondered over the last 9 months. He and I spoke frankly about the possibility and I was able to reassure him that it isn’t the case. If…
Phobia
Before he died, Dave had to be hospitalized a couple times. Once for an attack of pancreatitis and once for a strange flu-like illness that kept him very ill for over 2 weeks. Each incidence, separated by years, brought about my complete unhinging. Just the thought of Dave having an illness serious enough to send him to urgent care several times,…
Embracing the After Birthdays
Birthdays. It’s one of the hardest parts. My first birthday in this afterlife was just three months after my fiancé died. I didn’t even want to think about my birthday much less have one. We had decided to go to the Grand Canyon that year for my birthday, since I had never been to a national park. Refusing to spend my 30th birthday in bed, I…
Waiting for the Crash
So last week I put it out there that I’d been feeling happy and ‘doing ok’. I seriously didn’t realise how scary that would feel, as if I was tempting the universe. As the weekend came and went, I found myself full of anticipation and it took a while to work out what I was waiting for. Then I realised, I was waiting for the crash. I know…
Seasons
The change in the air from humid to crisp, warm to slightly cool – puts a loud ringing bell on your death – as I ready myself for my birthday, then your birthday, Halloween, our wedding anniversary, Thanksgiving, our proposal anniversary, Christmas, and then ringing in another new year without you. This time of year filled with holidays and family…
Whisper of Ghosts
I’m going to die. Someday, yes, I’m going to die. I didn’t think much about death before Mike died; probably, many of us never do, until or unless we’re hit with that horrific reality of losing someone so close to us. Now, it seems to be constantly on my mind. The trying to make sense of the reality that he is really gone forever…and that…
Without-ness
This is what I wonder. And I wonder this even though my career was in grief support and I led groups and replied to this very same wondering from so many people who graced my groups. Will I ever feel engaged in life again? Will I ever find passion for life again? And energy? Will I ever not feel that I am living without him and therefore I just…
Street Appeal
Spring has sprung here, and it’s glorious getting outside, enjoying the sunshine and melting off the cobwebs. Particularly since all my anniversaries fall over the middle of winter and I coop myself up more than ever over the grey season. After I joined the ranks, some of my before interests didn’t satisfy me, didn’t provide the enjoyment they had…
Cinema Therapy
I was raised to keep my feelings to myself. Burdening my father with my feelings and needs was simply not something I felt safe doing. The consequence was that I repressed my needs and feelings for so long, and so well, that I forgot how to know what I’m feeling. It sounds crazy, I know. How does one not know what she’s feeling? You feel something…
The Cold Front Comes In
The cold front comes inand chills my boneswith the realitythat you are not coming home -not nownot tomorrownot ever. That none of my family is.not my mothernot my fatherand not you. So many people I have lost alreadyin thirty-two years of livingI have lived and died alreadymany lifetimes in this body.Some yearsthe cold front whisks inwith a…