Sometimes it still takes my breath away. The realization that he is gone. That he is never coming back. That one minute he was here, and the next he was not here. It still stops me in my tracks sometimes. Days can come and go, and he is always on my mind, but most days […]
Widowed Suddenly
We’re Gonna Need a Bigger Heart!
“When man gets lonely, God sends a dog.” Alphonse de Lamartine Tomorrow, October 9th, my little dog Quint turns one. Although Quint was born one of a litter of 5, the origin of his name is actually derived from the movie JAWS. Robert Shaw, the actor who played Quint in JAWS was a favorite of […]
Pumping Gas on “Ruff” Roads
Did you know that Oregon and New Jersey are the only states of our nation that do not require drivers to pump their own gas? As a Jersey Girl, it wasn’t until my husband passed that I actually had to fuel my own car. Recently I’ve recalled many journeys on which my late husband, Rich […]
That Autumn Sadness
I can feel the fall air approaching. Where I live (in Georgia), we often have what we call “False Fall” where we get a little taste of cooler, less humid days, and then we are right back to 90 degrees and sauna-like air. I am not sure if what I am sensing is just our […]
Bad Dreams.
I have a recurring dream that Boris has come back to life (or returned from being mysteriously gone for 4 years). It happens less frequently than it used to, but the other night it happened again. In this dream, he was back and I was ecstatic and ready to return to our relationship where we […]
Even the fun things.
Well, I went to that Odesza concert. And, I brought a little of Boris with me and left a little of him behind. I think he would appreciate that a little sprinkle of him is there. I struggled with what to write about as I sat down to write today. My brain feels a bit […]
Body.
As I worked with my therapists after Boris died, especially while working through my trauma of finding him and the aftermath of his death, something that came up for me a lot was about his body. I remember his body the night he died and it comes up for me quite often, even still today, […]
Daydreaming.
Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if Boris came back to life now. If he just appeared again, alive and starting where he left off. Maybe he was never dead. Maybe he was just away. I have little daydreams about this pretty often (And, sometimes my subconscious joins in and I have vivid […]
Love has Paws
Dear Kitty Cat, What a silly name your dad gave you. I tried to convince him to choose a more creative name, but he was settled on Kitty Cat. Now, I couldn’t imagine you having any other name. And I could not imagine life without you, though I know all too well how fragile that […]
Return to Therapy
Tomorrow I will be returning to therapy after several months “off”. It feels like good timing, but I wonder how it will be different this time around. I started going to therapy shortly after Boris was hospitalized for suicidal ideation for the first time, in June 2017. We also saw a couples therapist for several […]
4 years
April 7th marks 4 years since I saw Boris alive. And, it still feels like, how can this be? I have been listening to Maren Morris’s new album and she has this song about someone she loves dying and imagining what the world would do without them. I know the sun will set into the […]
Because…April…
This week I turned the calendar to April and that means I’m facing a list of lasts we shared with Tony. The last time his closest friend came over to share a whiskey. The last Friday night steak he cooked us. The last time he sang happy birthday to any of our children. The […]