Widow's Voice

Some days I still can’t believe it.

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Sometimes it still takes my breath away. The realization that he is gone. That he is never coming back. That one minute he was here, and the next he was not here. It still stops me in my tracks sometimes. Days can come and go, and he is always on my mind, but most days just feel routine or normal. But then there are moments when it really hits me all over again. This heartbreak feels so raw again. And then, I think, no that didn’t really happen did it?

It seems impossible. It is impossible. It feels made-up or like a different life. This kind of thing didn’t happen to me. My best friend, my partner, my person…he didn’t die. It must have been a dream. An alternate reality. He was doing better. He was getting help. We were working really hard on our relationship and he was doing so much work. He can’t be gone. We had plans. We were going to get married! He had goals and dreams. He had a job and friends and so many hobbies…he was full of life.

But…it really did happen. He really is gone. And even though I get through most days as if this is just part of who I am and part of my life, some days it still feels surreal and some days my brain just can’t seem to comprehend this reality.

 

About Victoria Helmly

My love story began in 2005 and though my love is no longer physically here with me, our story has not ended. I met Boris when we were 14, but it was not until our junior and senior year of high school that we became more than friends (he was my first kiss!). We went to the same college and although our relationship was a bit rocky through our early 20s, we made it through. He was my person. Our relationship grew stronger as we matured and learned about one another more as adults. I was certain that he was my forever. We talked about the future a lot and we knew we would get married, but we did not want to rush—he was still finishing graduate school and I was just starting my first full-time job. We did not realize how little time we had left together.

In the summer of 2017, Boris was hospitalized three times for active suicidal ideation. This was a heartbreaking, exhausting, and life-changing experience. After 10 months of therapy, medication, and support groups, Boris died by suicide on April 7, 2018. My life now has two parts: the one before April 7, 2018 and the one after. My very best friend, my person was now gone.

If you were to ask how I am doing now, 2.5 years later, I would say I am okay. I am living. My world continues to spin, and I continue to move forward. However, I still carry deep sorrow and loneliness. I have struggled with PTSD, anxiety, and depression. Sometimes I still cannot believe that he is actually gone. I still feel him with me, and I know that I will never stop loving and missing him.

I am currently in school for my Ph.D. and live just outside of Atlanta with our cat, Kitty Cat (Boris is responsible for the creative name). I work as a graduate research assistant currently, but I worked for three years with our State Unit on Aging prior to going back to school. I love movies, my friends and family, long walks, and traveling.