Sometimes it still takes my breath away. The realization that he is gone. That he is never coming back. That one minute he was here, and the next he was not here. It still stops me in my tracks sometimes. Days can come and go, and he is always on my mind, but most days just feel routine or normal. But then there are moments when it really hits me all over again. This heartbreak feels so raw again. And then, I think, no that didn’t really happen did it?
It seems impossible. It is impossible. It feels made-up or like a different life. This kind of thing didn’t happen to me. My best friend, my partner, my person…he didn’t die. It must have been a dream. An alternate reality. He was doing better. He was getting help. We were working really hard on our relationship and he was doing so much work. He can’t be gone. We had plans. We were going to get married! He had goals and dreams. He had a job and friends and so many hobbies…he was full of life.
But…it really did happen. He really is gone. And even though I get through most days as if this is just part of who I am and part of my life, some days it still feels surreal and some days my brain just can’t seem to comprehend this reality.